So so frustrated...need help. :(

So today has been hell. I am at my whits end, and I think I am about to snap. I feel like I do a lot of complaining on my blog and that is one big reason why I am making it private. But today I am not holding back, and hopefully by doing so I can make someone else feel like they are not alone if they are going through anything similar to me. If you don’t feel like reading my rants and raves, then turn away now.

It all started this morning as I went to the rec. center with good intentions to work out. I try to go every Tuesday and Thursday. Gavin and Kayler went to the day care. I was almost finished with my workout and they brought Kayler to me and said he was no longer allowed to come to the day care because he had 3 strikes against him for violence. One incident happened last Thursday, and then he hit 2 times today. I was first off SO embarrassed. Then I was a little puzzled. He doesn’t usually hit at home. We don’t spank our kids, and my kids rarely have hitting or full on fighting matches. So I don’t know where he picked it up from. I thought he must have hit an older kid trying to get a toy or something, but NO- he took a toy dinosaur and hit 2 BABIES…..babies. My heck, what would possess him to do that. SO after leaving feeling so so terrible, I just don’t know what to do. They said he couldn’t come back for a week. Then after they let him come again next week, if he hits again, they said they had to call the state to see what they do for repeat offenders. My 2 year old is practically a felon…

I really really want to go work out. I can’t do it at home alone. It helps to have the proper equipment and machines and to not have little ones running along the treadmill putting their hands on it or throwing toys on it. I can’t do sit ups or anything like that with kids around because they jump on me. It is just a nightmare to work out with kids around me.

So what do I do? Just don’t work out and get fatter than I already am? That is sounding pretty good to me right now. Do I wake up at the crack of dawn and work out when my kids are all asleep-and wake them up with the loud treadmill? Do I stay up late at night to do it and yet again wake them up with my noise? He doesn’t nap all that well, so doing it during naptime is not an option. Do I give him a second try at the rec. center? Or do I risk him doing something again and having to go through that embarrassment all over again. I am just so confused.

Kayler was a really good baby and 1 year old. 2 years old hit and all hell broke loose. He is so so busy. You reading this say yeah yeah, whatever, all 2 year olds are busy, but he is on the extreme end. He is enrolled in PT4K here in Vernal to kind of help with this kind of stuff, and one of the caseworkers suggested that he might even have a little bit of autism (high functioning or Asperger's) They are having a psychologist come in November to look at him a little further to try to determine more. I try so hard to work with him at home and be kind, loving, and patient. Being mean and violent with him will go nowhere. I just feel like such a failure, and like I want to hide out at home and never take him anywhere. It even happens at church. I don’t know if he hits in nursery or not, but one day a few weeks ago, I looked in to see a cute little row of kids all his age having snack time. I couldn’t see Kayler anywhere, so I peeked in and asked where he was. The nursery leader said, “Oh, he doesn’t do well at the table with the other kids, we have to move his chair and snack to the corner.” I was so heartbroken and upset.

Hallie has been so so easy. Gavin has given my lots of fits, but nothing quite like this. He did have an episode today, which I will sum up really quickly. He went for Kindergarten testing and he would only whisper to the teacher. He would not answer the vast majority of the questions even though he knew them. It was SO, SO frustrating to watch. I am sure his teacher is thinking I was the worst mom ever for not teaching him, when I really have worked with him a lot.

I never ever thought I would be the one to have kids with behavioral problems. For heaven’s sake, I have a degree in Childhood Development and all the issues that come along with it. It doesn’t mean crap what the books or philosophers say. Until you are in the moment with YOUR OWN child, you cannot form a true theory of why kids do what they do and how to correct it. In fact, I find it very interesting that the vast majority of my professors weren’t even married and did not have kids yet. I admit, I have been an onlooker of other children with behavioral problems and pointed blame towards the parent. In some cases, it is true. They are abusive, sit them in front of the T.V. all day, and never try to teach them how to act kindly and nicely. I just hate being one of those parents that is being ridiculed for the actions of my kids-because I am seriously trying so hard.

I am so sorry whoever took the time to read this whole long post for my rants and raves and complaints. I know it could be much worse in so many ways and situations. But for right now, this is my life, my problem, and I am so exhausted even thinking about it. So, any suggestions would help. Hope everyone’s day has been much better than mine!

I am now going to turn to my new favorite treat. Banana Split Oreos. They are heavenly. I usually don't turn to food when I am stressed or upset, but today calls for an exception.