The joys of spring.

I am SO loving spring time. After a long hard winter...I enjoy every single ounce of sunshine.

This is Hallie at her first piano Federation on Friday. She did great, and got a superior rating!



I am glad that my kids can get outside...because when they are inside, they are little nintendo nerds. I won't lie....sometimes it is SO nice to have all 3 enthralled with those handy little things!



Saturday was a beautiful day. We spent most of it in the back yard.



That night, Erin took me to dinner and shopping for my birthday. I have to laugh because in high school, we had similar clothing taste...and were exactly the same size. We spent lots of time at Maurices back when we were young and skinny, and we shared a dressing room. Well....10-11 years and 3 kids each later, and take a look- We still have similar taste, still the same size, and yes, we still shared a dressing room. We even ended up buying 4 of the same things!-Which was great except we showed up to church today with the EXACT same outfit!



We had a hot dog roast at my parents this afternoon. It was still a nice day, just a little windy. We had Kael and Emily there and the Allred's. Baby Hallee LOVED the rocks. She was perfectly happy sucking away on them...see her little cheeks shoved full!



Everyone was so glad to be outside...we all STINK so bad from the fire-I forgot how I hate that part, but as long as we are outside...I will take it, that is what baths are for!




After we got too cold, the kids came in and got rides on a dolly by my dad, we watched Funniest Home Videos and Kayler and Rachael wrestled...it was so cute. She would literally body slam him, and he was so confused at what she was doing, but he just went limp and let her drag him all over-it was hilarious.





So there you have it, a lot of fun in just a few days. I have been loving my calling-lots of stress and work, but I know it will get better. G.J. was sustained in the Elder's Quorum Presidency today...so between Springtime, Church, Work, Household duties, school work, running kids here and there to this and that...we are busy with good things, just how I like it.

I am looking forward to this week....first off, I will meet this sweetheart:



Lyndin Hope Nielson is just begging me to snuggle her, and I will more than happily do so. I am so happy for Candace and Brian and big brother Jhett, and to see the amazingly spiritual process of adoption up close has been so touching.

Then we are headed to St. George for the long weekend. I heard the weather might not be the best, and that makes me sad, but we really need to make a visit to Grandma and Grandpa Searle down there.

I hope everyone else is enjoying the sun!

Happy Happy Day :)

27 years ago I was born. Man I am getting old ;) I decided to take the time to reflect on some deep birthday thoughts I have had today.

When I turned 16, someone very close to me told me that I didn’t deserve to have a birthday because I wasn’t worth celebrating-in more or less words. It devastated me. I am usually the type to move on from hurtful words…but for some silly reason, I believed this person. Therefore I have literally hated my birthday the past 10 years because I felt that when people did nice things for me that they didn’t mean it, didn’t want to, and more than that-that I didn’t deserve it. So there is the big secret of why I USED to not like my birthday.

I have done a lot of self reflection the past few months. I am not saying I am this old and wise well-learned person…lets face it, 27 is not that old. In the words of my Grandpa, he told me I am "still wet behind the ears." hehe. What I have come to know is that I am worth it, and I do deserve to have a day to celebrate ME! I have decided that when people take the time to do or say things to me-especially on my birthday, that they DO mean it, and that I am worth it. That does not mean that I need to be boastful or self righteous or a diva or anything of the sort. What it does mean is that I can take the time for myself, do nice things to make this day special, and actually let others who offer do nice things for me. Trust me, this is a BIG step.

My birthday started a little early this year. Jessica took me to lunch yesterday….of course I am a slacker, and forgot pictures. We hit Café Rio, which was divine as usual. Then we come to today. Since it has been such a busy day, and it isn’t even half over, I will try to document what I have done, and unfortunately, only 1 picture has been taken, I might come back and add more later:

-I woke up unusually early….not by choice, I just couldn’t sleep. Usually I would fight to go back to sleep, but I decided it is only my birthday one day a year, and I better just enjoy the day…even if it was 5 a.m.

-I got the kids ready for school and all 3 of them on the bus and me out of the house by 8:15 ( with G.J.’s help, boy am I glad he doesn’t have to leave for work until 7:30 or so.)

-I went to get gas….exciting I know.

-I went and visited Heather. I knew this week would be empty without the busy-ness of her family being around from last week’s funeral of her mom.

-I went and helped clean out our Primary closet at the church. The president asked me before she knew it was my B-Day, and later called to tell me I didn’t have to, but I just told her I am weird and like to do things like clean and organize…any day of the year! ;)

-I came home…decided to walk on the treadmill, especially since I had some (or a LOT) of chocolate on the way home from the church. I walked for exactly 9 minutes….then I decided I was tired so I got in my nice warm bed with my heated blanket and watched Good Things Utah.

-I got Kayler off the bus….took him potty, gave him a toy, a snack, and turned on his fave “Yo-Gabba Gabba”.

-I had me a bubble bath in the middle of the day at 11:11 a.m. ;) It was divine. I had bought myself a new outfit…since I know my Georgie isn’t capable of such things. I wasn’t going to have anywhere to wear it….except my friend Holly called and took me to lunch Subway, and she brought me these:



-I will let you know, they were delicious. Her cupcakes are famous. The cake tastes better, her homemade frosting is divine, and the 4 I ate were perfect with my big glass of milk.

-Kayler is now napping….so here I sit wasting time-and I plan on doing so until Kayler wakes up or until Hallie and Gav get home.

-Gavin has a birthday party this evening, and G.J. has church stuff. My dinner is being brought in from my dinner group that I LOVE, and Steph is a great cook….

-My mom did a cake for me, so we are going to squeeze that in and visit with my 3 grandparents.

-Then the celebration continues as I go to the movie with Karlee-the late show after our kids are asleep hopefully.

-As if that wasn’t enough, I am going to lunch with Heather tomorrow, dinner on Friday night for a REAL date with G.J., and Erin and I are headed out on the town Saturday.

-Oh yeah…I mustn’t forget that I got some packages in the mail-gifts, cards, etc. along with lots of well wishes from email, text, and Facebook.

So….I need to just say how truly and completely blessed and lucky I am that I have so many people who care enough about me to do nice things. Even better, I am so grateful that I can actually truly appreciate it, and soak it all in with the best attitude possible. I have even enjoyed the songs on the radio today-they must know it is my birthday because they have sure played lots of my favorites. I am loving the sunshine, despite the wind. All in all, I am just glad that I got to be born at this beautiful spring-time of year, to my loving parents, in a beautiful town, state, country, that I married such a wonderful person, that I am called “mom” by 3 of the most precious beings to ever be, that I have the true gospel blessing my home, and that I have such great friends. I am one lucky birthday girl….Thank you, thank you, thank you- to everyone!

You know that strange feeling in your gut?

You know when you have that feeling in your gut that something big is going to happen. I have felt that way for about a month now…and could never pinpoint why. I felt a little uneasy, on edge, yet surprisingly at peace. Some moments I was fearful about having another huge trial come our way…seems like I need a break from those. Other moments I felt excited that it was going to be good.

I have had many instances in my life that I could have considered a reason for me feeling this way, but these instances would come and go, and I would still feel a little unsure. On Friday G.J. and I went to the temple. I leaned over to him and told him how I was feeling. I told him, “You mark my word, something big is about to happen.” He just laughed at me.

Saturday we were able to be chaperones for a 5 stake youth activity. It was a lot of fun, and G.J. and I definitely need to go on more dates and get out a lot more often. The kids were good with the babysitter and we headed to bed early…pooped from being around so many teenagers!

Sunday morning at around 6:30 a.m., my eyes popped open, and my heart was racing and I could not figure why. Just before 7 a.m. the phone rang. In my mind, any phone call before 8 must be an emergency of sorts. It was Brother Jones telling us that we needed to meet with the Stake Presidency. So by then I was definitely up. I got showered and of course started thinking this was the big “IT” I had been thinking of. We dropped the kids off to Kael and Emily, and went on over. It was a nice meeting, but it was not for me. It was something new for G.J., and they just wanted my permission for him to do both his stake calling and this new calling for awhile. I of course said yes, and we were on our way.

We picked up the kids and headed back home. We still had a little while before church, so I laid down to rest from the events of the morning. Right then, the phone rang. It was my bishop asking if I could be to our church right away. Then my heart really got racing. Our ward just got split/slaughtered-whatever way you want to look at it. A whole bunch of new callings needed to be filled, so I knew I was getting a new calling.

When I got there, he said something that was so incredibly humbling. He said that all 3 auxiliaries-Primary, Young Women’s, and Relief Society had all submitted my name to be part of the new presidencies. That isn’t the hardest thing, since our ward is super small now, and there are not too many people to choose from. But at least I know that people had been thinking of me, and that explained why I had felt the way I had for so long.

Before I tell you what my new calling is, let me tell you something that happened when we were in Salt Lake a few weeks ago. We were at a hotel, which in Salt Lake there are many of, and we happened to run into our neighbor Cindy Hancock. I didn’t think anything of it, other than what a small world it is.

Cindy had also received a phone call from the bishop Sunday morning, to call her as the new Primary President. When she arrived, she didn’t know what she was going to be called to, but she had 3 names in her mind, and she then knew why. Since seeing us at the hotel a few weeks ago, Cindy told me she had been having dreams about she and I….it was always just the 2 of us. She could not figure out why. Then Saturday night, she added 2 more women to that dream, and again she found it very odd. After they extended the call, she told them yes and that she already knew who she wanted to serve with her. She told them the 3 names, and the bishop was shocked because he had been thinking the same names as her, but wanted her to dwell on it if she wanted. She knew she was sure, and wanted us called that morning. So, we were all called, made it to the church, got sustained, and got set apart, all within a matter of hours.

I now know with a perfect knowledge that the lord was preparing me. I don’t really care for surprises. I have had these promptings about callings before, and I have always found great comfort knowing that the Lord’s hand is in it. I really need it in this calling, because I have never been in Primary, and quite frankly, it scares me a little.

As the 1st counselor, I am in charge of activity days, which I will love, since Hallie is that age. I am in charge of the nursery age kids, which will be great, because I have a lot of good ideas for that. I will have to create/be in charge of the annual program, which I don’t think will be too intense-I hope. I will also have to do sharing times, help with classes, and ALL the other responsibilities that will soon come my way.

I think the thing that freaks me out most is that I will be in there for apprx. 3 years, unless something changes again by then. That is a LONG time. By then I will have an almost 13 year old Hallie, 10 year old Gavin, and 7 year old Kayler…how crazy does that seem!?! I am also nervous with my kids being in there. I don’t want them to be naughty or act out…I need to do my calling and not have to discipline them the whole time.

Other than that, I am excited. I have been in a rut for awhile now, and I am the type that needs things to keep my mind and hands busy/occupied. I really enjoy all the ladies in the presidency with me. Cindy-Pres., Me-1st Counselor, Stephanie Gilroy-2nd counselor, and Lauren Massey-Secretary.

So there you have a big long story of my short whirlwind weekend. This week is going to busy with church stuff for G.J. and I. It is my birthday…which probably won’t be too eventful. Then with the warmer weather it always seems that my life gets a lot busier, but I am really glad it is getting warm!

Sunshine=Happy Kandice

The past few days I have heard or read a few quotes that have had a profound impact on me. 2 of them were at my cousin Raema’s funeral. They were in a talk given by her sweet husband. The other one I just happened to read somewhere…..so I will share.

The first one is:

“Trials and Tribulation are necessary in this life, but Misery is not….” (some church manual I was reading)

The next one is:

"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse. (Apr 2007 Gen Conf)"
— Jeffrey R. Holland

And Finally:

"If we constantly focus only on the stones in our mortal path, we will
almost surely miss the beautiful flower or cool stream provided by the
loving Father who outlined our journey. Each day can bring more joy
than sorrow when our mortal and spiritual eyes are open to God's
goodness. Joy in the gospel is not something that begins only in the
next life. It is our privilege now, this very day. We must never allow
our burdens to obscure our blessings. There will always be more
blessings than burdens--even if some days it doesn't seem so. Jesus
said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it
more abundantly." Enjoy those blessings right now. They are yours and
always will be."
— Jeffrey R. Holland

So even though my trials and tribulations have been real…they have been hard….and I can’t go back and change the miserable way I have felt and dealt with them…..I can try harder the next time I am faced with adversity. That is all I will say about that.

Moving on. My little Gavin is SO funny. He came home in a panic from school Monday. He told me he HAD to wear Green today since it was Abraham Lincoln day and the kids at school told him if he didn't some little midgets would come and beat him up. I asked him if he was sure they didn't say it was St. Patrick’s Day and that he would get pinched by Leprechauns if he didn't wear green??? He said...."Oh yah, that was it, sorry I get confused Mom." He is SO gullible, cute, and innocent!

I did get one bit of news from his Dr., and I am not quite sure how I feel about it. Going into this testing….I had mixed feelings. I didn’t want them to find anything major…because that would mean surgery or treatment that would be hard on him. But-after 6 years of testing, poking, prodding, testing, waiting….and him not getting any better from the diarrhea and low weight gain, I almost just wanted to find something, treat it, and get this over with.

The scan did not find any huge masses of tumors that could be removed-not even in his appendix, which they had hoped for because it is an easy fix. It had the same results as the CT scan back in February. It found lots of teeny tiny tumors spread all throughout his intestinal track. That is wonderful news, because it means no surgery. It is not so wonderful news because there is no way to treat it. They did diagnose him with another possible condition to pair with the Serotonin Secreting Tumors that was diagnosed back in January. It is Carcinoid Tumor Syndrome. There is a good article here about it….if you are that bored and want to read! http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/986050-overview

So anyways, his Dr. is awesome. She had noticed he had lost weight according to the scales at Primary Children’s, and that really worried her. She said she was NOT giving up until he is a chubby, thriving, healthy little boy with NO diarrhea. She called me yesterday to talk, and I just barely got off the phone with her again today. She said she has put phone calls in to several different types of Dr.'s, and will call me back ASAP with any finding. It feels so good to have her fighting for us!

Here are some cute pictures of the kids from today. They all look a little groggy since it was bright and early before they got on the bus. I love holidays, and any reason to dress my kids cute or have a day out of the ordinary is fun to me. Notice Hallie’s super cute metallic extensions. My friend Casey Bell did them for her. She does a great job. They stay in for close to a month if she is careful, and it is only $5 for her whole head (We got them free though—did a trade):

Wowzerz....Be Prepared.

Last time I checked my private blog “invite” list, I had around 87 readers. I am guessing that only around 20 of those invited actually read my blog, and only half of that actually take the time to leave comments (which I appreciate very much by the way!)

Anyways, that being said, I am hoping that this post will be skimmed over by the vast majority of readers….as it is a pity party post, and even though as I type I already feel guilty for the things I am thinking/typing….it has to be done.

You see, my blog is my very own personal journal. It is also my psychologist….unpaid of course, but very much needed and appreciated. The fact that some of you out there in blogger world care to read my ramblings is just a bonus, but consider yourself warned…I am in the worst mood I have been in for a very long time, and this isn’t going to be pretty. Oh yeah, and it is super super long. Even for a long winded, fast typing person like me.

First off, let me give you a photo recap of our Salt Lake trip from 3/10-3/13:



I tried a new collage format, I don't know if I am a fan yet, but it was sure quicker! You will just have to guess where and what each picture is.

Wednesday we headed out later than expected because the darn hospital had “mistakenly” ordered the medication for Gavin’s injection for the next day….Gee thanks hospital….The kids could have missed one less day of school, G.J. one less day of work, and one less night to pay for at the hotel. Whatever.

We got there, did a little shopping, got settled in our hotel, went and saw my brother and sister in law and their cute new puppy, headed to Orem and met up with my friend Nikki and her hubby and 2 adorable girls at Pirate Island Pizza. Then we did a little more shopping, headed back to hotel, and slept very well.

Thursday began bright and early. Luckily our hotel had a really yummy breakfast each morning, and the kids were being very well behaved. Let me put this disclaimer in….. “the kids were being very well behaved.” At the time…I considered it a blessing, and now I know that something was “up.”

Gavin was injected with some radioactive nuclear junk…they left the IV in his arm, and sent us on our way for 4 hours until his next appt. I made sure to make the trip worthwhile, and scheduled G.J. an appt. at an ENT nearby the hospital he had been needing to see forever. So the kids sat in the waiting room with me….still being very well behaved.

We returned to the hospital where Gavin had his octreoscan. It took a very long time, but that hospital is so dang awesome. They let our whole family in the room with him, turned on cartoons, joked with us, were very kind…..I was very glad of that.

After that the kids were SO excited to finally get to use the pool at our hotel. This pool was not just any pool, it was an indoor waterpark, kind of like a mini version of our Rec. Center here in Vernal. It was at the Holiday Inn Express by the E Center. We had a great time swimming and just relaxing.

After getting bathed and put back together, we went out to dinner…I know shocking. The kids were being so good; I decided we would go to a real restaurant while being out of town. Usually we just do drive through, because the kids (or should I say Kayler) gets super upset just by being out of his usual routine that restaurants are the last place we want to go.

Yet again, the kids did great. So great in fact that we went to the Hollywood Connection indoor amusement park thing that was close by after dinner. It was fun…not busy at all, and the kids did great and had a lot of fun.

Friday G.J. had to go to work up in Ogden….remember we tried to make this trip worthwhile?! I didn’t think I could have handled all my kids at Primary Children’s all by myself so I dropped off Hallie and Kayler to my brother Kris. Gavin had the same long round of testing, and we were out of there in 2 hours.

The kids were dying to go to the aquarium. We went and let them see all the super cool fish….it really was neat, but it cost me $39 bucks to go there. This trip was getting awfully expensive very fast. It was then that I realized that Hallie and Kayler were NOT feeling well, and they were rapidly getting worse. It only took from the time I dropped Kris off at his house to getting to the hotel to meet back up with G.J. that afternoon to realize that they were really sick. They automatically fell asleep as soon as they hit the hotel beds, something so uncharacteristic of both of them. I am a mean mom, and made G.J. stay there while I finished some shopping.

We had been invited to dinner at G.J.’s brother’s house….and I thought about cancelling, but we still went because after their naps, I thought they were doing a little better. Sure enough, as soon as we walk in, Hallie and Kayler were so sick they couldn’t leave the couch. We had a great dinner, but I feel so bad for ruining all the fun with my sick kids.

G.J.’s sister is an office manager at a local Dr.’s Office. She was so kind to offer to take our kids in to check their temperatures, and give them a quick strep test. They both had fevers of 102-103 give or take, and Kayler started puking. She decided to just torture Hallie with the strep test, and sure enough, it was positive.

So even though that was helpful, she isn’t a Dr., and can’t give us the meds, so we had to search our insurance for an instacare facility close by….let me add that at this point it is 9 p.m. We finally found one in GHETTO-VILLE West Valley-seriously, it was scary. I was so relieved when a very nice, clean, friendly woman Dr. came in. She was so sweet to my kids, commenting on how cute they were, and being very sympathetic to the situation. She tested Hallie and Kayler for strep, both +. She asked to test Gavin, just in case…..even though he had ZERO symptoms, he came back + as well. So I ended up having to pay 3 co pays for an Emergency service…due to their policy no meds can be prescribed for just anyone. So getting help for G.J. and I was not an option at that point. Makes sense….but huge pain for us.

So….thank goodness for 24 hour Walgreens, because we left getting their antibiotics at like 11:30 p.m.or so….and it was 1 a.m. before I crashed. The morning came all too quickly, and we were off to Disney On Ice. This was after packing up 3 days of laundry and supplies our family had used since being there….boy that is a lot of work! We ended up getting one night free, because our peephole on our door kept falling out….it left a gaping hole in the door, and I just kindly mentioned it to the lady checking us out. She offered the free night…and I am all about saving money, especially since the night before I had shelled out hundreds for stupid strep.

Of course, my luck would not be complete without waking up to more bad news. G.J. woke up sicker than a dog….and we knew it was the same thing the kids had. Thank goodness I stayed well-physically at least! At this point I was not a happy camper mentally. We had to pack up and meet my family at Disney on Ice. It was really cute…but let me share a picture that broke my heart:



While all the other kids oohed and ahhed…My poor little guy had to plug his ears the whole time. It was just TOO much for him. I just wanted to cry the whole time watching him.

We left for home during a huge snow storm….the roads were seriously so bad. Poor G.J. tried to help, but he was getting sicker and sicker. It was then that I realized that we wouldn’t be making it home in time to get G.J. some meds. I decided to do something desperate, and call a guy in our ward who is the PA at Urgent Care in Vernal. He was SO nice, and called in antibiotics for both G.J. and I.

So after unloading all that crap from being gone and trying to get our house back in order, get kids cleaned up….all 5 of us our antibiotics….here I sit, feeling incredibly frustrated, annoyed, angry, and quite frankly very pissed off at the world.

So, I decided to make a list of all the things that are really really bothering me right now:

1. I HATE Cancer. Last week I said goodbye to Raema….my cousin, the mother of my cousin Heather, who just happens to be one of my closest friends. We got the phone call that she has passed away very early Friday morning. The only comfort was that my mom got to be there with her when she died. They were best friends. I feel very bad for Heather….the rest of her family….my mom….it just sucks.

2. I hate sickness of any kind. Being at Primary Children’s, you just have to be there 5 minutes and glance around at unthinkable sickness and sadness. You can’t help to feel grateful for your own trial. Which I still am, but I am pissed off that we had to be there in the first place. Why can’t my kids be perfect and healthy? Why does Gavin have this illness? Why did they have to get so sick on our “vacation” of sorts? Don’t I deserve a break? Why? Why? Why?-it is not fair, and I am SO done with sickness, medical bills….. I get teary even thinking of what we have gone through-even though it is not nearly as bad as some…it is bad to me, and it is hard-harder than I ever let anyone know.

3. I am mad about money-and the lack thereof.

4. I am mad that I had such terrible pregnancies, that I had colicky babies (minus Kayler), and that I didn’t take the time to enjoy the situation more, even if it was hard at the time. Now I feel very empty. I feel a longing for that time to come again. I will never have another baby-it is final-and it hurts. I have 3 precious children…..but somehow my ungrateful heart is not recognizing that, and here I sit feeling empty.

5. I hate Autism…..HATE IT. I hate that my little boy has to suffer.

6. I hate that I missed Women’s Conference today…I could have used a big spiritual pick me up. I have been lacking. Probably due to the fact that I am very busy hating things. Maybe that’s it. I want to feel the spirit more fully and deeply. Maybe I should get rid of these angry feelings….I am trying.

7. I hate that my marriage isn’t better. Don’t get me wrong-we are doing just fine. It has been almost 10 years (in May) Unfortunately, these past 2…since Kayler was diagnosed have been the worst. I am still very in love….but we have both aged SO much in the past 2 years. We both have an unspoken worry about so many things….and I hate that too.

8. I hate cold weather. Maybe if this place would warm up, so would my mood.

9. I hate feeling self conscious. I am not an idiot-it doesn’t take a genius to realize that I am not the most pretty, skinny, put together, healthy eating, exercising, happy go lucky person. I just don’t want to be bothered with being bothered about not being good enough….does that make sense?

10. I get lonely-sounds absurd doesn’t it? I just am not that close with my Mom at all. I have no sisters. My relationships with my Sisters-in-law are good….just not like having a real sister. I have LOTS of great friends-which I am eternally grateful for….but not necessarily a best friend that knows my every struggle, trial, and fear. So even amidst my crazy life with church, work, kids, their school, their friends, my wonderful husband-I am still lonely, and I am mad at myself for feeling that way.

11. I hate not being the someone that people make me out to be. On one hand, I have the people who think I have it all…They probably think that all the above things don’t worry me in the slightest, and that just because my house is clean, my kids well groomed, and I am organized- I am happy as a lark….SO not true.

I also hate being “THAT” type of person-you know, the one who has all the bad things happen to her. Yep, that is me. I had a painful realization the other day. I had so many people tell me what bad luck I had been having lately. It kind of started with the penny swallowing incident in December. The flooding in January. The tumor diagnosis at the same time. The hysterectomy of February…..and a snowball of events interspersed throughout. I am “THAT” girl that some people who know me well are glad they are not. I have the type of things happen to me that are often unthinkable to others…because things like that don’t happen to them….only to people like me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I am not bearing my trials well….and I am ashamed. I have a lesson to learn, but I am a slow learner apparently.

Oh my goodness…do I feel better! O.K. that is a lie too, but I am glad I have typed this all out. I know that with all my heart that I will look back on this difficult time in my life and laugh….or have better and different emotions than I am having right now. Who knows-I might wake up in the morning....yes is it super late at night, or is it morning already? I might have second thoughts and come back and delete this post all together....who knows with me lately!

So at the beginning of this post I gave numbers of how many people would actually read this whole post in it’s entirety. I think I will guess apprx. 95% gave up after the first few paragraphs….So that is fine-like I said, my blog, my worries, my very own psychologist.

p.s. We won’t get any results from Gavin’s tests until later in the week….but it is not looking promising so far for any encouraging or noteworthy findings.

Springtime?!?

Is it really sad that in order to remember what we have been doing the past week I had to check the memory card in my camera to get a visual recap?

I had completely spaced my blog, so I guess that means nothing big or dramatic has happened….so for me, that is A-O.K!

The week started out with the dog drama….thank goodness that is over, and no permanent damage was done!

Tuesday I went to the cheer review with Candace to support my friend Karlee who is the coach this year. It was good to get out. Karlee has done a great job with the team. It did make me feel incredibly old, fat, and out of shape though! I used to be the one flipping around on the floor and dancing up a storm…and now…well that is just in the past!

Wednesday was a very special day. It was grandparent’s day at Kayler’s school. G.J.’s parents are in St. George, and my parents were in Guatemala. My Grandpa Stewart still works pretty much full time, and my Grandma Stewart is in a wheelchair. So that left my Grandpa Bowthorpe. It was hard for him to get in and out of the school, but still at 87 years old he was so proud and cute to be there with Kayler. They played games, read stories, had snacks. It is a priceless memory:




Thursdays are always busy for me because it is the day I cook dinner for my dinner group. I did Enchiladas this time….and I thought they turned out pretty darn yummy. That is a miracle, because I usually do NOT like my cooking. That afternoon it was SO sunny and pretty out. The snow was melting so fast, you could literally watch it melt. My kids were out front playing and our neighbors the Nielson’s invited us out to the farm to check on all the cute new baby cows. It was SO muddy…..but it seriously didn’t bother me at all. Mud=Spring!!!!! The kids gathered eggs, which they ate for dinner and they thought it was so cool. We got down to check out how cute the cows were, except for Gavin, my ever present scaredy cat stayed up high! I got home in such high spirits, because I felt like FINALLY…..it was going to warm up out of this winter hell!!!:




Boy was I wrong….that night I heard rain….then I looked out to an all out blizzard. We had almost 4-5 inches of fresh snow the next morning. Thank goodness it melted, but still it was disappointing. Hallie had plans to have a new friend over that afternoon, and she was so excited. Let me ask all you mom’s this…….are friendships different now than when you were a kid??? I remember having a “best” friend by Kindergarten, and pretty much every weekend I could count on going to a friends or having a friend over. I was constantly invited to birthday parties and to play. It seems SO different now. I have decided that families are just busier, and it is harder to trust people to let your kids go play with. But…..Hallie found a sweetheart named Aubrey. I actually knew her dad growing up. He was several years older than me, but he knew all my cousins. They had so much fun, and know she is going to be a great friend to Hallie.

That night I decided to prove my too old/too fat feelings weren’t true….I had been given the O.K. from my Dr. to exercise more intensely. My Friend Marcy who owns a gymnastics gym in town was having adult night. I decided to give it a try. I was pleasantly surprised to see I could still do back handsprings, whips, tucks, and layouts-and even a wicked toe touch! I was having a great time even though I was the oldest (even though it was adult night…only high-schoolers showed up) Then…..a member of our RS presidency walked by. She walked in and was like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!” There I was in a little spandex number..lol, whipping around on the mats when I saw her. I told her I was trying to relive my youth a little! ;)

The next day was Saturday, and I tried to keep us busy. We have been so bored the past few Saturdays, so we got ready, and went to do some errands. The kids REALY wanted to go see Alice in Wonderland. I let them invite some friends. Poor Gavin called all his friends, and they were all gone or busy. So he had to be my friend, and Hallie had 2 friends. Aubrey, and her cousin Ally. I am just so shocked at how much she has grown up this year. No longer a little girl…..but now a mature “tween”….lol. No matter how big she gets, she will always be my baby girl. I usually do NOT like shows like that, but I really really enjoyed it, and would highly recommend it!:



Sunday we had a full load. I woke up SO SO sore from my tumbling adventures from Friday night-lesson learned! We had a baby blessing of our friend’s the Holfeltz’s. Then Kayler had a talk at our ward…which he threw a few funny antics in, and then threw a fit when he was done because he wanted to do it AGAIN!!! Then I had to sing in a quartet for Relief Society. I hope it went O.K. My voice was a little dry with it being fast Sunday, but the women I sang with have beautiful voices, so it worked out I think.

Yesterday was cleaning day. Then poor Gavin came home from school with a stomach ache. I am a mean mom and when the kids come home, they have to go straight to bed. I don’t want them to think that coming home is a “treat.” So he fell asleep, so did Kayler, and so did I. It felt SO nice. After that we went to my parent’s house because they had just returned from their trip. They brought us all some cute and very precious souvenirs, because they were made by some very very poor children/people of that very poor country. My mom made sure to remember who she bought them from and their circumstances and told my kids. They were so grateful for them. My parents had been on a Book of Mormon tour with a group of people from here and Roosevelt. Just seeing the pictures brought about such a spirit, and I know that the events that happened where they were truly did happen.

So my goodness…..even though it felt like we didn’t do much, we kept busy, and like I said, No drama…just normal family fun!

Tomorrow morning (Wednesday) we head out for MORE testing on my poor little Gav. I am so SICK of trips to Salt Lake. This one is especially long-4 days. He has to have this scan on his tumors Wed, Thurs, and Fri. Then my mom bought us tickets to Disney on Ice for Saturday. So we are going to be busy. Not to mention we are taking Hallie and Kayler too…..so the expense/hassle of it all is just so overwhelming to me, but I know it will be nice to be out of town!

So…here’s to Spring and a good report from the Dr.!!!

The puppy that just wasn't

I have the biggest pet lover in my house. Hallie is not the typical girly girl. She has always loved to play with pet related things. Whether it be stuffed animals, computer games, books, you name it….as long as it helps her learn about animals she loves it.

We have not had the best luck with animals in the past. I will admit- I am NOT an animal person. I don’t have the patience for the mess and work involved. However, I do take my kids needs and wants and loves into consideration.

Last week my brother got a Lab puppy named Milo. He is so cute. He lives in SL, but he sent pictures and I could just see Hallie’s heart melting. She always makes comments about what she wouldn’t give for a pet. At the princess thing last week, they had to write a wish down and they put it on a balloon and let it fly away. I snuck a peek and it said, “All I really want is a dog.” Talk about sweet.

So that night I really got thinking. I saw an ad in the Nickel Ad for some lab puppies. My family grew up with a lab, and he was the best, most protective, kindest, calmest dog ever. We loved him so much. So I thought and prayed about it a lot (I know----praying about a pet, but I wanted to be sure) It was all too ironic that on the way to church on Sounds of Sunday of all places, there was a talk about pets-about the importance of them for kids, for adults, etc. I knew then it was meant to be.

So after church, I called about the puppies. I told Hallie to get in the car, but didn’t tell her where we were going. We headed to the house, and immediately fell in love with the runt of the bunch. We brought him home and named him Max. He was the best little dog. He was so cute, funny, smart…you name it. He never had an accident in the house. The best part was the true elation on Hallie’s face. My boys were even so excited.

These pictures are going to MELT your heart.














That night before bed, I notice that me, Hallie, and Gavin all had runny swollen eyes, and a very drippy nose-not to mention sneezes. I just dismissed it. We let the puppy sleep inside since we had bathed him. I woke up every hour because he whined to go out to potty. I snuggled him up to me to take him out, and I would wash my hands after….but again, the sneezes and runny nose started each time I touched him. I also started to get a rash on my chest where I had held him. I immediately had a sick feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t sleep (and I did not get one ounce of sleep that night) I got on the internet to research the most allergy causing dogs. Guess which one was high on the list??? LABS. I was just sick…..The reason is that they have a single coat of hair/fur which is in a continuous shed cycle of dander, hair, and oil. Other dogs only shed 1-2 times a year.

I also remembered some allergy testing that G.J., Hallie, and Gavin had done about a year ago….I found the papers, and shocker, DUH ME FOR NOT REMEMBERING, they were all 3 allergic to dog hair. I knew cats were out of the question because Hallie is so allergic her eyes swell shut and she even has a hard time breathing when she is around them. But I had just forgotten about dogs because our dog had just died, and I thought….well we won’t do that again. How quickly I forgot…..It is my fault, and I could have saved a lot of grief.

So….long story short-I knew what had to be done. I called the owner-she agreed to take him back because she had another buyer who wanted him-I picked Hallie up from school-told her the news-she had a VERY tearful and truly heartbreaking goodbye-I took her for a treat-took her to Wal-Mart-we left with a scooter, DS game, Electronic Diary, Frisbee, and treats for her friends-and took her back to school.

I was SO upset about it all. It had felt so right, but we are just not meant to be a pet family. I have had a ton of people tell me that there are other dogs that don’t cause allergies….or other animals. But I am not going through that again. I made a firm agreement with Hallie that lots of trips to the pet store to look (followed by a dose of Benadryl!), lots of Zoo trips, Aquarium visits, and we would start saving for Sea World and other animal places. She was fully happy with that choice.

So that is that. The puppy that was precious but just not meant to be.