My bad bad dream :(

So this post probably should be saved until my blog goes private in a few weeks. It actually shouldn’t be blogged about at all, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had a terrible terrible dream last night, and I wish a dream interpreter could tell me what the heck it means.

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. Once I did, I was OUT, and that is pretty rare for me. G.J. slept downstairs with Hallie and Gavin, they were having a fun sleepover in our spare bedroom, so I was all alone in our bed. Well, my whole nights dream had to do with death. It was me that was dead, and I was watching my funeral. The only thing was…nobody came. I could clearly envision my mom on the steps of the mortuary saying, “I thought she had a few more friends than this…” I was so sad as I looked on realizing that nobody really liked me or cared to come to my funeral, and I was in a race in my mind trying to realize what I had done to offend all these people I had thought were my friends.

PHEW!!!!! What a deeply vivid dream. I woke up really late this morning, like 10….that is pathetic and SO lazy of me, but my mind must have been working really really hard, because I didn’t even toss and turn, I was sound asleep from when I went to sleep until that time. I tried to shake it off, it was however a dream. But, the silly annoying hormonal girl part of me could not shake it. My mind has been reeling ever since at the “what ifs.”

When I was a little girl, my dad wasn’t around too awful much, he worked a lot. What I do remember is a lesson he taught me when I was very young, and that was to never ever make enemies- only make friends. I have tried my hardest to carry it through my life. I have a lot of people who I consider friends. What they consider me might be a different story I guess though. I can honestly say with all my heart that I don’t think I have ever gone out of my way to hurt or offend or do something purposefully mean to someone.

I look back a few years ago, and there was a friend that I hadn’t heard from in ages. I couldn’t really think why, but then I remembered something that had happened even years before that she might be mad at me about. Well, I tracked down her email, sent her an email, and sure enough, she remembered and was still upset, and we resolved it and are friends today. When I was little, if I felt like someone was mad or upset with me, I would make myself physically ill thinking about it. I would try to do everything in my power to make it better. My dad also told me to never take offense too easily. He said, “You can spend your whole life getting mad, offended, and hurt-or you can forgive, forget, and move on with life.” I really hope that I have done that. I am still human however, and I still get my feelings hurt, but I do move on rather quickly, I have much more important things to think about, especially now as a mom and wife.

Through all these lessons I have learned, I have become an extremely guarded person. I spend a lot of time “reading” people and trying to sense their feelings for me. I am pretty good at telling when people just don’t like me. Of course I beat myself up trying to figure out why, and how to fix it. This might be way off, as they might be “reading” me as well, and waiting for me to make the first friendly gesture. Oh...what a game. I also don’t become very close to very many people, because I am so afraid of getting hurt. The friends I do become close to are friends for life, and I truly cherish them. So I guess in a sense I might come off snobby or rude to a lot of people because I am always trying to figure out if they hate me even before I let a real friendship begin. I just drive myself crazy sometimes.

So, I guess if anything this dream prompted me to look at my life a little differently. I truly feel like I have tried my hardest to be a good friend. If I ever feel I am in the wrong, I always try to apologize, as hard as it is. You just can never tell if there are people out there who I have offended without even knowing it, and they have hated me ever since. I guess then my dream would be true, and they won’t be at my funeral…I have made up my mind that I can’t MAKE people like me. That would seem too desperate. Sometimes people just click with others, and sometimes they don’t. I can say that there are some people that I don’t care to be around, and others that I thoroughly enjoy being with. Although it can never hurt to have too many friends, I just need to be myself, and if people like me, great. If not, oh well. Like I said before, I just have too many other things to worry about now.

So, if you are reading this, and I have made you mad or sad somewhere along this roller coaster of emotions and events we call life, I am truly sorry-really, I am. I hope everyone has a great day. Hopefully I will sleep with NO dreams tonight. I don’t know how much more soul searching I am up for!!!