The year comes to a close...

As 2009 comes to a close….all I can think of is “GOOD RIDDANCE!” I can honestly say it was one of the worst years of my life…for many reasons that I won’t share, but there were 2 main ones that I will.

First, losing my Grandma was harder than I ever thought possible. Her absence has left such a void in my life in more ways than I could ever explain. I find peace some days, and other days are just so hard. I know with time it will get easier, and that if I live half as good of life that she did that I will see her again some day.



Second, struggling as a family and me personally with Kayler’s Asperger’s/Autism issues has literally brought me to my knees in frustration and hopelessness many many days this past year. Things have been especially hard the past 6 weeks or so. I think of all my friends who complain that their toddlers are throwing fits, hard to take places, etc. I just have to bite my tongue because I used to think that was hard when I had my own “normal” toddlers doing the same thing. I admit, that was frustrating at the time….but nothing compares to having a toddler who throws “autistic fits” as we call them. I often regret getting so frustrated at the times when Hallie and Gavin were Kayler’s age and how distraught I was when they would act up. Now that I have something much worse to compare to I wish I could go back in time and chill out a little.

I had SO looked forward to our trip to St. George this past weekend. Unfortunately, Kayler threw several autistic fits at every public place we went to. I think G.J.’s family was just kind of shocked and embarrassed for us when we were in public and he was screaming bloody murder and trying to bite/scratch us and everything in his way. When I am at home, I am able to deal with it a lot better than in public places and with family, friends, and strangers watching. I feel like my every move is being judged and criticized….nobody helps because they don’t know how to. I just wanted to hide out in the hotel room the whole time with him, but that wasn’t fair to G.J. and the other kids. We came home from the trip with each one of us with a battle wound from Kayler. When he throws his fits he is so strong, and even G.J. and I have scratches on our faces along with poor Hallie and Gavin.

I truly feel that Autism is one of the cruelest diseases out there. Sure there are MUCH worse things. Kids have autism MUCH worse than Kayler does, and we are lucky that he has a mild case. But in that same sense, he is my child, so I have to deal with all of it and the emotions and feelings that come along with it. I also deal with the guilt that my other kids have to suffer from it as well. Gavin just cried and cried today that he wishes Kayler was a “normal” brother and that they could play and have fun together. He begged me to lock him in my bedroom alone so he could play with his toys and not have Kayler bothering him and hurting him. That just broke my heart.

I am very lucky to have G.J. by my side to help me. I feel so blessed that we were able to go back east and get the training that we did this fall. I look back on that time and realize that we spent every single amount of money we had to go there…..and then I look at Kayler’s progress and have to think was it worth it? I think the answer is yes, he has improved, but it seems it is one step forward, two or three steps back. I am such an impatient person, and this type of therapy takes time and a lot of effort and dedication on our part to see a big difference. Sometimes I feel I am giving all I have and then some to him, and that my other kids and especially my husband get the short end of the deal.

It is getting harder and harder to pretend that I am happy and optimistic when in all reality, I am scared. I am so unsure what the future holds for Kayler. While he is doing quite well at school and at church, at home and in public are 2 completely different stories. I tell myself all is great, and then it takes one family event or one quick trip to the store or other public place to remind me otherwise.

I truly appreciate his teachers at school and church. They are answers to my prayers, and I could never thank them enough for understanding, caring, and helping him. He is such a precious angel. I look at him and just want to cry sometimes and shake him and get my little boy back. The moments he does good I just want to bottle it up and cherish it, appreciate it, and make it last as long as possible, because I know that hard times are soon to follow. He does and says the cutest and sweetest things sometimes, and I am so grateful for those moments. I LOVE this picture that Kristi took for us back in October. I think it is so precious.



Despite all I have said, I am so grateful to have him in our family. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Someday I will look back and be very grateful for what we have gone through. I would be a very ungrateful girl if I didn’t mention that we were blessed immensely in other ways this past year with health, safety, and happiness…just to name a few, and for that I am eternally grateful. I hope and pray with all my heart that 2010 will be a better year in so many ways. For Kayler, our family, our friends, our town, the world……I really hope that things will look up in the best ways possible.

Thank you to all my blog readers who take the time to leave comments of encouragement. Sometimes that is all I have to get by on-seriously, so I really appreciate it. I truly enjoy reading about all of you and your families, and can’t wait to see what 2010 has to hold for all of you!

Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve and Day!

The past 6 days...

Phew! What a wonderful Christmas we had. So wonderful and busy in fact, that I am barely getting a chance to document it all. I haven’t had time to read or comment on anyone’s blogs due to my busy-ness, so I apologize, but here is a run down of the past 6 days.

Thursday-Christmas Eve. The kids nearly drove me crazy. Seriously I was about pushed over the edge. I know they were just excited, but my goodness. I broke up 50 million fights, cleaned up more than my fair share of disastrous messes….what a day. It did end on a good note though. We had a lovely dinner at my parent’s house with my Grandpa and Brother and his wife. We also had a wonderful nativity story, opened our traditional jammies and one gift and did all the preparations for Santa. The kids were in bed by 8 and sound asleep, and Santa entered our house and was gone by 9:00 p.m. We must have been first on his route in Vernal…. ;)

Friday- Christmas. We had to wake our kids up again this year…Kayler really did not want to be woken up, until he realized what was going on and then he was so cute along with the rest of the kids. I had to laugh at Kayler. After opening all his wonderful gifts-instead of playing with them…he was at the sink again doing his water messes as you will see in the picture below!

We had fun opening our stuff, having a nice breakfast, and after getting ready we went to my parent’s to open more gifts from them. After that, we went to our annual Stewart Family Christmas Party. My kids had so much fun with their cousins. I had a lot of fun with all my cousins and their spouses on my Stewart side. The meal was delicious, and the kids got another gift from my Grandma and Grandpa Stewart.

After that we headed home, put stuff away, and started to pack for our trip to St. George. We got that done, the kids bathed and in bed, and then I went to play games with my cousins from the Bowthorpe side. I had a ton of fun learning how to play Texas Hold-Em…..I was not very good, and will not be entering any tournaments soon!










Saturday-ST. GEORGE!!! We were SO excited to get out of this frozen wasteland and go to G.J.’s parents place in sunny and warm St. George. The kids did very well on the drive down, despite poor Gavin having the stomach flu. We only had to make 3 minor stops and made the trip in just under 6 hours. I would like you to notice in the pictures the temperature when we left Vernal at 8 that morning…. -17 YUCK! Then the nice temp when we arrived! We got checked into our beautiful hotel room, freshened up, and then had our party with all of G.J.’s siblings and some of his cousins. My kids had a blast playing hide and seek in the hotel and running around. It was a great night. We went to Target for some shopping that night and then out to Spoon Me for the best frozen yogurt I have ever tasted.

Sunday-Most of G.J.’s family was leaving, so we went to G.J.’s parent’s 5th wheel to open some more presents. We all got sweaters and gift cards to Dillard’s. After that we went to lunch at Chili’s and then to the coolest park ever! The kids (including G.J. and I!) had so much fun. Then I sent G.J. and the kids back to the hotel for some swimming while I went to Dillard’s to cash in my gift card. I got some Ugg boots that I have wanted forever and ever. We went to Costco to get some supplies, then it was time for dinner again, so we headed to Chuck-a-rama. Unfortunately for me, that night my dinner turned into UP CHUCK-a-rama. It was so miserable!

Monday- We woke up feeling very sad that it was the last day of our vacation. Our car was stuffed with things from top to bottom. Poor Hallie had a tiny little tunnel to sit in! We took the kids to the Wildlife Museum and then off to Pirate Island. For those of you who haven’t been…it is like a glorified Chuck E Cheese with a Pirate theme, much nicer, cleaner, better food….you get the picture. We said our goodbyes, and then on the road….again.

The trip home seemed a little longer this time. Kayler was super ornery. We tried to break up the trip by a stop at In and Out Burger in Orem. The kids hated the food but loved the hats. We finally made it back to our frozen wasteland/Home Sweet home! It took forever to unload everything and get it all put away, but we really were glad to be home and out of the car.






































Tuesday- Cleaning day!!! Since we left the morning after Christmas, we had a huge mess of gifts, Christmas decorations, and laundry to take care of. I have been working hard ALL day long, and I am almost finished and it feels so good. I am truly having a wonderful time having my kid’s home and having no schedule. They have had so much fun playing with all their toys today. We are off to pizza and a movie tonight, and who knows what the rest of the week holds. All I know is that I feel truly blessed for the last week’s events. It came and went so quickly, but I tried to cherish every special second!

Merry Christmas!

Gavin is going to have to redo his Christmas wish list and ask for 2 new front teeth! He came home from school yesterday and told me something was wrong with his "two front buck teeth"-hehe. I looked and sure enough they were extremely loose. Call me a sicko or weirdo, but I love pulling teeth. He was so brave and let me pull them both at the same time. I was so proud of him, and he looks so cute and tiny with the teeth gone!



This has been the view from our windows for the past few days. We are looking forward to the sunshine and hopefully some snow to get the gunk out of here. We also love a White Christmas, so we will see if that happens!



G.J.'s mom bought the kids Christmas outfits, and so before church yesterday I had to snap our annual Christmas Outfit Picture!



We had a wonderful Sunday. I love the sacrament meeting where the choir sings and a few Christmas talks are given. Since I am actually in the choir, it made it even more special. It was so nice singing, looking out the window at the frozen fog falling kind of like snow...it was very peaceful. We also had our Stake sing-a-long last night, and it turned out great. I love Christmas music, so it really got me in the mood.

My last picture is of my newest treasure. This was my Grandmas beloved Nativity Set. I cleaned my Grandpas house last week, and before I left he gave me this. I had to hold back the tears until I got into my car, because I didn't want to get him crying. I think he is having a hard time his first holiday season without my Grandma. I was SO excited to set it up and has it as a treasure in my home.



I am beyond excited to have the kids home from the hussle and bustle of school for a couple weeks. I hope we can sleep in, have fun days, be safe, happy, and healthy. I wish all of you the same! Merry Christmas!!!