I know at the beginning of the year I promised not to post anything negative or that included feelings that come from me having a pity party. I feel like I have for the most part kept that promise. I will vent in this post...but at then end of each topic I promise to include a positive thought.
I can't even tell you the guilt I feel that my biggest source of frustration in my life for the past almost 3 years boils down to one thing....Kayler. He has had a bit of a rough spell since like....November. He has also been sick so that doubles the troubles. I need to make a disclaimer....despite what is posted below(which is a lot...and pretty intense), Kayler does have wonderful moments/days/situations where he does absolutely awesome. You wouldn't even know he has issues. They might be few and far between but the fact is that they happen, and for that I am grateful.
I keep thinking that he will start doing better at church...but he hasn't. I feel a lot of guilt as I search for reasons for him to stay home from church...and then when I am there truly enjoying myself without him-I feel bad. My calling is going good...finally. Sure, it is busy...but my main source of stress comes from having to keep Kayler under control in Sharing Time. The positive...he does do quite well in sacrament meeting so that is a blessing.
After almost 2 years of pre-school...you would think things would be going well. They aren't. Sure he has his good days and positive moments, but for the most part it is not going well. I called his teacher the other day and she flat out told me how awful he was doing. I have a parent teacher conference for him Wednesday and I am dreading it. They want to send him to Kindergarten next year...which is a ridiculous thought if you ask me. He can't even draw a straight line-let alone master any of the Kindergarten readiness skills. They have a questionnaire, and he only passes on 24 of the 100 things showing his readiness. Sure he is very smart. He knows all his letters, colors, shapes, numbers, amongst many other things...but he doesn't know how to apply them correctly in a learning environment. I feel like they are just tired of him and want to pass him on to someone else. On a positive note, I attended Hallie and Gavin's parent teacher conferences last week and they are both at the top of their class. Academically and Citizenship wise they are doing so well. Their teachers are AWESOME this year....seriously...so good. It has made for a very positive year for them.
Around home....Kayler is just Kayler. He is a constant mess maker. He refuses to eat. For all you that feel you have picky eaters...come watch Kayler for a day and you will feel better. It is a wonder that he survives and is as stocky as he is. He is mean to our dog...and animal cruelty is something that I absolutely despise. He is very mean to Hallie and Gavin-and they honestly want nothing to do with him. He loves them but just doesn't know how to interact correctly. Of course G.J. and I don't escape the brunt of his outbursts of rage and violence. I have a huge bruise on my arm from a bite the other day. His sleep issues continue. He wakes up a lot in the night. Most of the time he falls back to sleep on his own, but often I will hear him in there just talking with his light on and playing. On the positive, when he plays he is learning to have quite the imagination and it is hilarious to watch!
I think the most hurtful development is his verbal outbursts. He says, “I hate you”, “I'm going to slap your face”, “Your the worst mommy”......amongst many other mean things. Of course they hurt and sting....but when he says them in public and at school it is so embarrassing. Of course people automatically think that we abuse our kids because he must have learned to say, “I'm going to punch you” and other violent threats from somewhere. He told the bus driver that the other day and she made sure to call me to let me know...On the flipside/positive, he has also learned to give the sweetest smiles, compliments, and best kisses. If we do anything he likes or approves of he makes sure to say thank you and give a cute little kiss.
I finally broke down a few weeks ago when he was sick, and took him to the Dr. to ask if there was ANY medicine that could help him. I told him I better have help or else he needed to find me a spot at a mental hospital soon! The problem is that autistic kids do not benefit from ADHD meds like Ritalin or Adderal. They don't have ADHD...they have autism. He prescribed a new medicine for autistic disorder, the first of it's kind, and he is on an incredibly low dosage. We have yet to see any improvement. If anything it has been worse. He has an appointment in Salt Lake with one of the leading Dr.'s of Autism research in the West. What I like best is this Dr. has a 5 year old autistic son of his own....so he truly does know how I feel. Bad thing is that the appointment isn't until May....I am just grateful for medical advances and opportunities for treatment.
Probably one of the things that makes me the saddest is that I feel like I don't want to take him anywhere. I am in constant fear of his outbursts, either physical or verbal. My parents took him for a sleepover the other night-I think they knew I was at my breaking point. I didn't miss him one little bit...what an awful thing for any mother to admit. My sister in law Emily is good to take him when I am in a pinch. He also plays at my friend Karlee's a bit with her little boy Tate. Of course while he is gone I am in constant fear of what he is doing...but I am glad I have a few people I can trust with him. I am such a social person, but when I think about taking him places I often just decide to stay home or else G.J. stays and I just take the other kids. I guess all families have to make sacrifices in some way, but it is just so hard not to have normal family outings. It makes me feel like not visiting any family or friends or going anywhere. For the most part, I get the impression that my family and friends just tolerate him...and truly can't wait until he leaves and dread when they will have to see him again. Even when he goes to school I have such guilt that as the bus shows up to bring him home I have a feeling of dread come over me. He is my baby boy for heavens sake.....I am so ashamed sometimes for the feelings I have. Of course I do have incredible moments of joy with him. That is the thing....when there is so much negative I am constantly in search of anything positive. Then when good things happen, I appreciate them so much more. At the end of every day after he is asleep I can't help but go in his room and watch him sleep for a few minutes and apologize quietly for the ways I have failed him and marvel at his beauty and sweet spirit.
I already have a knot in my stomach about our upcoming week. Look at my “To Do” list:
Yep....busy busy busy. The biggest thing is we are heading to St. George to visit G.J.'s parents. I am excited to get out of the cold, (although the forecast for this weekend isn't looking that promising down there :( ) I am also so nervous about Kayler and his behavior around G.J.'s parents. They are older...and more old school in discipline and ideas. I think they are beyond shocked and appalled at his behavior sometimes, but put on a happy face for our sake. I hope we can have a nice getaway.
Until then, I will find joy in the little things. I am in constant awe at the things that I do have that I am so grateful for. I will cherish anything that I can as a mother of 3 beautiful precious children. I have an extremely wonderful husband. I have a loving understanding Father in Heaven who knows my sorrows and frustrations, and I know things will get better with my sweet little boy.
