Poor Poor me...(yes, there is a pun intended)

So this blog is incredibly honest....and brutal....and mean...and I am pretty much everyone who reads will be offended-and pretty judgmental. Also- I am VERY PMS-ish, and sad. PMS has a way of letting my hormones rage and letting all the thoughts and feelings that I have suppressed for the past month come to the surface. I feel like I am about to explode....so I had to do this. As if blogging this post to my 70+ blog readers will make me feel better...probably not true-but I am not very rational right now! So read at your own risk and don't say I didn't warn you.

You know that book:

 book

That is what life feels like lately. Let me set the record straight first and foremost. I have an intense amount of gratitude for the good things in my life. The gospel, my eternal family, etc. That is not to say that things are perfect. In fact....I had someone (who obviously didn't know me very well) tell me a couple days ago tell me that my life seemed so “perfect”. I found this article that hit the nail right on the head…it is a must read.:

Perfect??? 

So...here is what is not perfect or things that plain really make me angry (and yes, I know that anger is of the devil....whatever)

-I don't like my hair. I hate HATE styling it. I prefer a ponytail. I see people with perfectly styled hair and want to punch them.

-I hate my freckles. Even with makeup I still don't feel beautiful or like I look like other “non” freckle people.

-I hate that I get a lot of headaches---you have NO idea the absolute trauma/horror this has caused in my life. Especially the past 5 almost 6 years.

-My body...don't get me started. I spent the first 18 or so years of my life being perfectly fine with my body very fit body. Now I see myself in pictures and vomit in my mouth. How the hell did I get so fat...Oh yeah, I hate exercising and love food and will never have the “healthy obsession.” I am in a “get fit” challenge right now. I have tried so hard….been in it over 8 weeks…and have only lost 4 lbs. Gag.

-I love the gospel...but I will be honest. I feel so overwhelmed with what is expected of me. I also hate the guilt that comes when I don't fulfill all my covenants and promises to the fullest. People in our religion are so fake and such hypocrites. Sorry----sad but you all know it is true. There are those few people that are truly good...but still. I was so happy to watch conference, and was truly touched by the spirit more than once…but I got bored very easy…yet again, another way to make me feel guilty and inadequate.

-I am very grateful for G.J.'s job....but I truly hate how it does and always will come before our family/me. He is a very good employee....but people are so needy of him (who doesn't need a computer and phone?) so I feel pretty sad some days about it. Worst part....the pay is horrendous for the degree he has, experience he has, and the actual amount of work he does. I find myself really angry with him a lot because he has a passion of computers, TV, Movies, video games, etc. Even though he helps me out WAY more than the average husband.....I get SO mad when he does these things because I never ever get to sit and enjoy things like that. There are always things to be done...and if I don't do them, nobody will.

-Speaking of money-------I have blogged time and time again about money. At this point it is causing me great stress. Yes...we have a lot of money in the bank from selling our house, but it still isn't going to be enough for us to be able to build next year like we planned. -We seriously don't know what we are going to do. So-I am grateful that we have this beautiful home to live in while we figure things out.

-Speaking of our house....the drama and decisions really get to me some days. Some people who could have very well made things easier for us have in fact chosen to be hateful, dishonest, and selfish. Nuff said.

-I am SO grateful for my kids schooling. It is still hard though when they come home and tell me the mean horrible things other kids say and do to them. It is also a horrible reality day by day as I realize Kayler's problems...and I feel an unsurpassed amount of fear about his future.

-My cleaning obsession is about to push me over the edge of sanity. I found a quote that says, “Nobody notices what I do until I don't do it” Again...nuff said.

-I hate cleaning. I hate cooking. I hate doing laundry. I hate that my OCD brain will not shut down until I get those things done. I want to punch people in the face that say, “Oh your house is so clean....” Seriously-I wish I could be dirty and not care.

-I wish I had a sister, or a really really close best friend. My relationship with my mom is not let’s say, “healthy” I just need someone to talk to so bad sometimes. Someone who won't judge...who will love me, offer help, and be there whenever I need. Someone that would drop anything for me...and I could do the same in return. But guess what...I am pretty sure that I have people in my life that would be that person for me...but I am SO gosh dang busy that who knows if I even have time to have a friend like that.

-I freaking HATE winter. Last winter I had to get on an anti-depressant just to endure it. I hate every single thing about it. All of it. The last snow was June 1^st….it snowed today. So count with me people…that is only 4 months and 5 days without snow. Gag me with a spoon…what am I still doing living here.

-I hate that people don't “need” me. I am always offering help, tips, advice, service, ideas......and somehow they get pushed aside. Nobody wants my help that I “want” to give. Yet…I have incredibly needy people who ask a lot of me…and somehow this does not fit into the category of me wanting to give….if that makes sense!

-I hate that I can't sleep. I have suffered with insomnia and strange sleep patterns my whole life. So.....not only do I feel these horrible sad feelings of despair in the day...they haunt me at night too.

-I am not a morning person. Hate it with a passion. Morning comes...and I just want to cry-for so many reasons.

-When it is time for Kayler to come home from Kindergarten...I cry on the inside every day. Really.....That is awful of me. He is my baby boy. You just can't even begin to fathom what I go through on a day by day basis. I joke that I have had visions of duct taping him to a wall and leaving. I joke....but I'm sort of serious. People see just snippets of what I go through and how he is…but you have NO idea.

-I hate that I give all I have to everyone around me...yet at the end of the day it is never enough. My husband has many needs unmet. I have to tell my kids No way too much. I always neglect someone or something. I however am the person who gets neglected the most.

-I have begun to hate blogging. Is it obvious by my long waits in between posts and my lack of journaling? Only about 3 people take the time to comment. So guess what...those are the only 3 people whose blogs I take the time to comment on. I am extremely tempted to just stop blogging....or just journal/blog for myself. I know that this is my journal and the memories I am recording are really all that matter. I might just delete the option to comment all together so I won’t feel so sad when nobody does! To those that do, thank you.

-I have a love hate relationship with FB. I feel like most people who post are just wanting attention. Guess what....I don't freaking care what the heck you had for breakfast....your plans for the day....or pictures of every thing you see in the day. I know that I have offended a few of those things myself....but oh well.

-The same goes for Pinterest. I truly enjoy looking....but I found this quote that sums it up perfectly:

“pin-ter-est (n): A fun reminder of the clothes I will never afford/fit into, the home decor I will never afford/fit into our small home, the recipes and crafts I am too lazy to ever make, the sayings I wasn’t clever enough to think of on my own, the photos I wish I had taken but didn’t. “

I have yet to actually do any of the things that I have “pinned” but…it is fun and takes my mind off of reality when I need to escape!

So there you have it. The most selfish, brutally honest, ungrateful pity party ever.

I know most people will read this and think…wow, DRAMA queen…or PSYCHO path. But the truth is…I know that you all can at least relate to one or two of my pity party rants!

Here is to a better tomorrow!