The year comes to a close...

As 2009 comes to a close….all I can think of is “GOOD RIDDANCE!” I can honestly say it was one of the worst years of my life…for many reasons that I won’t share, but there were 2 main ones that I will.

First, losing my Grandma was harder than I ever thought possible. Her absence has left such a void in my life in more ways than I could ever explain. I find peace some days, and other days are just so hard. I know with time it will get easier, and that if I live half as good of life that she did that I will see her again some day.



Second, struggling as a family and me personally with Kayler’s Asperger’s/Autism issues has literally brought me to my knees in frustration and hopelessness many many days this past year. Things have been especially hard the past 6 weeks or so. I think of all my friends who complain that their toddlers are throwing fits, hard to take places, etc. I just have to bite my tongue because I used to think that was hard when I had my own “normal” toddlers doing the same thing. I admit, that was frustrating at the time….but nothing compares to having a toddler who throws “autistic fits” as we call them. I often regret getting so frustrated at the times when Hallie and Gavin were Kayler’s age and how distraught I was when they would act up. Now that I have something much worse to compare to I wish I could go back in time and chill out a little.

I had SO looked forward to our trip to St. George this past weekend. Unfortunately, Kayler threw several autistic fits at every public place we went to. I think G.J.’s family was just kind of shocked and embarrassed for us when we were in public and he was screaming bloody murder and trying to bite/scratch us and everything in his way. When I am at home, I am able to deal with it a lot better than in public places and with family, friends, and strangers watching. I feel like my every move is being judged and criticized….nobody helps because they don’t know how to. I just wanted to hide out in the hotel room the whole time with him, but that wasn’t fair to G.J. and the other kids. We came home from the trip with each one of us with a battle wound from Kayler. When he throws his fits he is so strong, and even G.J. and I have scratches on our faces along with poor Hallie and Gavin.

I truly feel that Autism is one of the cruelest diseases out there. Sure there are MUCH worse things. Kids have autism MUCH worse than Kayler does, and we are lucky that he has a mild case. But in that same sense, he is my child, so I have to deal with all of it and the emotions and feelings that come along with it. I also deal with the guilt that my other kids have to suffer from it as well. Gavin just cried and cried today that he wishes Kayler was a “normal” brother and that they could play and have fun together. He begged me to lock him in my bedroom alone so he could play with his toys and not have Kayler bothering him and hurting him. That just broke my heart.

I am very lucky to have G.J. by my side to help me. I feel so blessed that we were able to go back east and get the training that we did this fall. I look back on that time and realize that we spent every single amount of money we had to go there…..and then I look at Kayler’s progress and have to think was it worth it? I think the answer is yes, he has improved, but it seems it is one step forward, two or three steps back. I am such an impatient person, and this type of therapy takes time and a lot of effort and dedication on our part to see a big difference. Sometimes I feel I am giving all I have and then some to him, and that my other kids and especially my husband get the short end of the deal.

It is getting harder and harder to pretend that I am happy and optimistic when in all reality, I am scared. I am so unsure what the future holds for Kayler. While he is doing quite well at school and at church, at home and in public are 2 completely different stories. I tell myself all is great, and then it takes one family event or one quick trip to the store or other public place to remind me otherwise.

I truly appreciate his teachers at school and church. They are answers to my prayers, and I could never thank them enough for understanding, caring, and helping him. He is such a precious angel. I look at him and just want to cry sometimes and shake him and get my little boy back. The moments he does good I just want to bottle it up and cherish it, appreciate it, and make it last as long as possible, because I know that hard times are soon to follow. He does and says the cutest and sweetest things sometimes, and I am so grateful for those moments. I LOVE this picture that Kristi took for us back in October. I think it is so precious.



Despite all I have said, I am so grateful to have him in our family. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Someday I will look back and be very grateful for what we have gone through. I would be a very ungrateful girl if I didn’t mention that we were blessed immensely in other ways this past year with health, safety, and happiness…just to name a few, and for that I am eternally grateful. I hope and pray with all my heart that 2010 will be a better year in so many ways. For Kayler, our family, our friends, our town, the world……I really hope that things will look up in the best ways possible.

Thank you to all my blog readers who take the time to leave comments of encouragement. Sometimes that is all I have to get by on-seriously, so I really appreciate it. I truly enjoy reading about all of you and your families, and can’t wait to see what 2010 has to hold for all of you!

Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve and Day!