FB Messages.

So I debated over and over whether to blog about 2 emails (FB messages) that I had received this week. Because I can't let the thoughts I am feeling about them go....I guess maybe typing my feelings out and perhaps getting feed back from my kind, faithful blog readers it might help me let go.

The first one came from someone who just wanted to know some facts about our finances..... Yep...I said finances. I actually appreciate their honesty in wanting to know the truth instead of spreading vicious rumors. Apparently this person had spoken to someone from my family, I don't know which side, my mom's or dad's-they wouldn't say. This person had told them that everything that G.J. and I ever had was provided with finances from either my parent's or G.J.'s parents. At first I was SO surprised....and then I realized that I wasn't all that surprised. When you live in a small town...and you have parents who have even the slightest amount of money----people talk and automatically judge and assume that they must provide a posh easy life for us. This made me laugh next, because contrary to the apparent popular belief swirling around this town that both or our parents are super rich....is not true. The truth is that they are smart with their money and actually own a savings account.

Granted, they are both very blessed. They have nice things. But—I will not in no way let anyone tell me that they flaunt anything nice that they may have around town. Along with that, both of our sets of parents are extremely generous to those in need. It often goes unseen the secret acts of service whether it be monetary or not-that both of them do. Now---since I am being brutally honest here, you need to know that they both have been very generous to us-in small ways. We have received very nice Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, small amounts of money, etc. Along with that I feel that they both have been very in tune with the spirit. It seems that when our money and finances were at the worst-even without us telling them, they would show up with some groceries, or ask us to do some work to earn money, etc. I know that if we needed money that we could ask in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, G.J. and I are both a bit prideful....and always refused to ask. We have always wanted to be very self sufficient.

The next feelings I felt as I thought about it more were ANGER. I was so mad. Let me clarify, and I will leave it to my blog readers to spread the TRUE rumor.....My parent's nor G.J.'s parents have EVER once paid a car payment, mortgage, or massive cost for anything for us. When G.J. and I bought our first home, we used my college fund that my parents had spent years saving to put a down payment on our first house. Because I had a full ride scholarship to pay for college, this was possible, and something that I am truly grateful for. If I would not have worked hard to get good grades and to get that scholarship, that money would have went to school, and we would not be where we are today. We were able to sell our first home higher than what we paid. Then we bought our next house when the market was very low. For $165,000 if you must know. Then recently, we once again we were blessed to sell high. The only way we were able to afford our newer car a few years ago was to use the equity in our home to take cash out and pay for it. We didn't touch our parent's pocket books at all.

Now we are saving even more money to build a new home. You notice we aren't building right away. Our Mommy's and Daddy's aren't footing the bill for our new house...we are living in G.J.'s parent's house (which I am SO grateful for) for as long as it takes to save up some more money. And no---they aren't paying for us to live here. We pay every single utility bill and cost associated with living here. My parent's are giving us the small building lot. We are paying them back by helping out all we can with anything and everything they need now or in the future...yet again, a great blessing.

I guess what gets me the most is that we spent years-like at least 5 years, being dirt-welfare level poor. The first year we were married G.J. made $9,000 -in one year. After 5 years it varied between 10, 20 and 30K-Definitely not enough to raise a family of 5 on. This was while we were both in school, having our kids, and while G.J. had 3 jobs at one point and I had 1---scraping the bottom of the barrel. We were typical college kids in the “poor” area...except that we had a house and kids and so much more to worry about financially. Thank goodness for being poor enough to be on Medicaid and WIC while having kids to help with medical bills and food and formula for babies-if not I don't even want to think about what would have happened. We ate Raman, mac n cheese, and whatever else was cheap. I remember being so grateful when we were invited to family dinners so that we could eat real food!

Also----have these people taken a view into our garage??? Does G.J. drive a big fancy truck? Do we have a camper? Do we have ATV's? Do we have a boat? Do we go on huge fancy vacations? No, no, no, no, no. Whats funny is that I am perfectly fine with all of that. I don't need those things to be happy. We are lucky to have friends and family who are fortunate to have "toys" as people call it and to go on nice vacations. I have never once judged them or considered them to be rich or frivolous. We are often invited along to enjoy these recreational things. I also have friends who have NONE of these types of things, but who have more money than one could imagine. Or those who have little but have so much to offer just by being themselves. So it just goes to show that you should never ever judge a book by their cover...or contents of their garage.

I was thinking that if we lived in a really really trashy house, drove broke down cars, and my kids were dirty and unkempt that the tables would be turned. People might like us more. People would pity us and think, "Gee...their parent's are so rich-why don't they take care of them?!" Funny how it is when you throw spins on it like that isn't it. Along with that...anyone in my family or friends know that I clean houses. Trust me...it isn't for fun. I don't just love sticking my hands in others' toilets. I do it so we have some savings or money for extras or emergencies. G.J. works so hard at his job. You think of his job title, "IT director"...think computers and most people see $ signs. Well that might be true for other employers, but he works for the City government....trust me, there are no big dollars being made. His income is very modest and something that I am so so grateful for. Beyond that...I think to mention that my Dad works his GUTS out. He works basically 24 hours on. If he works all night and sleeps for 1 hour and they call again...out to the oilfield he goes again. His job is not laid back or easy in the slightest. I worry about him constantly. His safety out there is something never far from my mind. Sure...he has lots of days off, because if there is no work he isn't called. But every moment he is at home, there is lost revenue. My father in law George has worked his entire life doing HARD labor. He started doing odd jobs, farm work, mining, construction, ranching etc.etc.etc. He was big into saving...I don't recall him buying much for himself ever. Anyways, I am rambling...but you get the point.

I guess more than anything...knowing that it was family that said these mean and hateful things really hurts my feelings. I have shed many a tear worrying about who it was (since the person wouldn't tell me) and how I can fix them feeling such unkind things about us. I just realize that I can continue being me...whether family, friends, or other people like it or not! So there you have it---since our finances is such an area of concern for some people-now my kind blog readers can do me a favor by setting people straight if they ever hear anything other than the truth!

There are some that would argue that I am being over sensitive or blowing things out of proportion. I guess I just try so hard to be nice...that it hurts really bad when I am judged harshly. Especially if it is un-true. I guess that is why the next FB message I got was so hard for me...because it was ME that was being accused of being judgmental....

So....the next email was one that probably hurt even worse. It was from a girl that I knew in school. Keep in mind I have been out of high school 11 years, and I was “friends” with this girl in middle school and Jr. High some 15 years ago. She sent me this message letting me know that because I had chosen not to include her in my group of friends that she had let that determine her worth through her school years and beyond. It was only now that she was able to let go. She even waited to move back east to send the message because she was worried she would see me around town here in Vernal after sending it...Apparently she thought I was the most fun, popular, talented, self confident teenager alive. She went on to say a TON more....but that was the jest of it.

I kind of laughed at first....then I thought—SeRiOuSlY!???? I Never ever felt popular or confident or that I had a “group.” I was just as self conscious as the next girl, those years in school are so hard. Even further, I truly don't even remember this girl trying to be my friend. I don't remember a lot from those years in school. The only thing I remember is feeling fat, ugly, super stressed about getting good grades, and just trying to be friends with anyone and everyone who would have me.

I guess I just feel so bad that this girl had hung on to these super sad feelings for so long. I replied to her in a very nice manner, and she was very gracious. I guess I just feel bad that I made someone feel this way and can't help to wonder if there were other people. I truly did try to be kind and friendly back then-just as I do today. I guess you just can't win sometimes!

So----My goodness, that wasn't even half of the feelings that have been swirling in my mind. I am over it. I will move on. I am OK. I know where my money comes from. I know who my true friends are. That is all that matters!