Who, What, When, Where, and Why

The past week has busy filled with all sorts of summer fun. Swimming, bbq’s, potluck, family reunions….all that. The kids have been doing private swimming lessons at night. They love it….when I say they, I mean Hallie, poor Gavin is too skinny and he gets SOO cold, and Kayler likes doing his own swimming lessons...but we have 4 more times left, so we will see what they learn! I could probably say a lot more about week #4 of summer…but I will just get on to what I intended to.:



When most people get invited to something or make plans to go somewhere… the 5 W’s of Who, What, When, Where, and Why of the event probably don’t go through their mind too much. For a mother of a child with autism…..they REALLY go through my mind….and I throw in the fear of the Unknown of those 5 W’s. I think of What it is we are going to. I think of Who is going to be there. I think of When it is at. I think of Where it is at. I think of Why we are going, and if it is even worth it. For a social person like me....that makes these types of thoughts/decisions hard.

I truly wish I was easier going…and could just roll with the punches…and maybe Kayler would have an easier time. But I am who I am, and in turn he is who he is. Summer time is especially hard because it seems there is always some where to go and people to see. I never know quite how he is going to respond. I never know how I am going to be feeling. Sometimes I can take a lot…and can just stay and deal with his issues. Other times I just pack up the whole family and leave moments after arriving because Kayler’s problems are too much for me to bear. I can't take the looks, stares, judgmental comments to my face, behind my back, etc....It is funny though, sometimes I am being a total pessimist expecting the worst and he will totally surprise me by being so sweet and not hitting anyone, hurting anyone or thing, running away, sitting nicely and just being “normal”-it is always so unpredictable!

On Friday we went to our first Autism Playgroup. There was only one mom there this time. There will be a lot more usually, but summer is busy. It was so refreshing to talk to a mom who knew exactly what I was talking about. It felt so good for her to look at Kayler and see exactly what I see and I just wanted to cry. Her son was in Kayler's class, and she had helped in the class a lot, so she knew him. I felt so accepted and like I could say anything and not be judged. I knew Kayler could do or say anything and I wouldn’t have to cover his tracks. I am so excited and I know that she and I will become great friends, and I can’t wait to meet the other moms in this area and their special kids.

Other places…..it is not the case. While I DO have wonderful family and friends….it is so hard to truly explain Kayler’s every move and to help people-even my close family and friends to understand how he really is. You have to be around him day in and day out to realize the whole realm of his syndrome. Even my own parents who see him the most besides G.J. and I can’t fully grasp how severe it gets sometimes. Even my own sweet husband doesn't know the full extent of what I go through every day with him while he is at work.

This summer I had high hopes for Kayler. While every year is progress….it is sometimes one step forward and 2 or 3 steps back. He is 4 years old, but acts more like a 2 or 3 year old in some areas. He is SO busy. He is always into something, hurting someone or something, or just being “Kayler.” Sometimes G.J. just comes home and I give him a look and he knows automatically what is wrong and who is responsible for it.

I feel like I am constantly telling him "no" or to "stop" then I feel bad and I find any and every way to work some praise into his little head so he doesn't feel like he is bad all the time. I have lied awake at nights thinking that next summer will be the summer before he is to enter Kindergarten, and if he doesn’t make HUGE progress, there is NO way he will be able to go. It makes me sad…worried…all the above. I will go into his room and kneel down by his bed while he is sleeping and just cry and apologize to him that Heavenly Father chose to send him to me-even though I would have it no other way...and that I can't do a better job. I just need mega powers to take care of all his needs and wants and to have the strength and faith and endurance and perseverance to carry on and fulfill all the other roles this life requires of me.

While he is just perfect in some ways, my heart just breaks at what must go on in his little mind that makes him act and do the things he does. I just want a happy, healthy, normal little boy.He is precious. Just look at this picture of him at the splash park. He has been SO obsessed with Toy Story. He had to wear his Buzz and Woody Cowboy boots to the splash park the other day. He was so proud of them:



Tonight he is with my parent’s staying the night on the mountain in the camper. We had been at a family reunion with G.J.’s family all day and we went to check on our trailer at a different location since we had left it up there. I didn’t know my parents would be there. We pulled up and my dad could tell that I was beyond beat and frustrated with him. He offered to keep him and I always feel so guilty letting others help me with him, but I let them.

Wouldn’t ya guess it-I miss him so bad. He makes me want to pull my hair out when he is home…and when he is gone I miss him so bad it hurts, and our home feels so empty.

Tomorrow is church and he will be back for it, and that is definitely still a work in progress. I feel so bad for his teachers. I still don’t know what to do with him in sharing time. I got a pretty nasty email about him from someone in the ward about a month ago. I am over it now, but at the time it hurt very badly. It is just a good thing I have a strong testimony…or else things like this could be used as Satan’s tools to keep me away from church. Trust me, it would be easier to stay home from church, but he and we as a family need to be there.

So there you have it. Next time you go to an event as a family and think of the Who, What, When, Where, and Why…..Do like I am going to try and do…and be very grateful for the things that DO go well, and don’t dwell on the things that don’t! For starters on the things that Have been going well, I DO have 2 kids that have been LOVING going to all these events and have been so easy to bring along. Hallie and Gavin have been enjoying every bit of these summer events.

As for my blog, I will be MIA for the next few weeks. We are super busy with family reunions and being in and out of town a lot….I will try to take lots of pictures so I can remember what happens in weeks 5 and 6 of summer, so until then, love you all, and ttyl!