On my mind...

Well I guess this is what I get and what my blog readers have to suffer through for me waiting so long to blog. I honestly haven't had any groundbreaking events happen within the past few weeks. Besides enjoying everyone ounce of beautiful sunshine and emerging signs of spring, my focus has been on 2 things.

First: The for sale sign in front of my house.



It still takes me by surprise when I glance out and see it. Both G.J. and I know it is the right thing to do, but it is still hard. I absolutely hate uncertainty about our future. I am not good at the “hurry up and wait” game. I am very guarded in my optimism about selling our house. I know that the market is picking up. Our Realtor is great, and she has such nice positive things to say about our house. It is just going to take the right person and the right time with the right price! After that you have to have faith that it will process through quickly and smoothly and not breathe a sigh of relief until the papers are signed and key handed over.

Second: Kayler....(when is my mind NOT on him!?)


Kayler's 1 year Bday pics

He is currently at the best preschool ever. I love everything about it, and I am so grateful he has been able to go for the past 2 years. My sweet tiny boy (which despite his big head and stocky appearance, he is only in the 20% for his size) will be 5 years old in a little over 2 weeks. Seriously?!?! FIVE!? He is much too tiny, acts much younger, and I refuse to believe 5 years have passed!

So as most parents know, the age 5 is where you start thinking of Kindergarten. With Kayler I am NOT looking forward to it. It has brought me to have the most intense feelings and pondering the past few weeks. The thing is, he COULD stay at the preschool one more year, and get all the help he needs. The preschool on the other hand, are saying that he should go on to Kindergarten.

I am trying very hard to be respectful, but are you kidding me!!!??? On his last report card that shows his kindergarten readiness skills, he got only 20% success....that leaves 80% improvement. They have said all along that if it is deemed that one extra year of preschool will be beneficial, they will keep him. I honestly don't even know why they are arguing. Probably due to very stupid things like “budget...class size?”

So, we were supposed to have his very important IEP meeting Friday. They wanted me to write my “argument” of why he should have one more year. I will be honest...it was hard. I am invested SO much emotionally, that I didn't really know how to word it. Here is what I said (warning...very long and wordy...that is what happens when you think about something TOO much!)

“I just wanted to express a few of my thoughts before Kayler's IEP Friday. I would save it for the meeting, but there is so much I want to say.  I usually end up getting too emotional and forget half of what I intended on saying! Feel free to forward this email on to anyone involved with Kayler at school or who will be attending his IEP.

When Kayler was diagnosed with Asperger's, of course I was devastated and concerned. I still have my moments, but I feel like he has come so far. We have worked so much with him, and are very pleased with his growth--however slowly it may come. When he was first enrolled in the preschool, you will probably remember that I was constantly looking ahead to his future...which I still do. I feel like he has grown so much with his development academically and socially, and I owe a huge thank you to anyone and everyone involved with him at the preschool. I work with him constantly at home, and it is such a relief when I send him to school knowing that he will get a lot of care and attention.
 
The past few weeks he has met with his pediatrician, the kindergarten teacher at Discovery (Mr. Graham), and the kindergarten screening team. I have been with him and watched at each place. After watching him at each of these places, I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, and pondering what will be best for Kayler and his future. As a result, we will not be sending Kayler to kindergarten, and I am giving one final plea for you to consider keeping him at the preschool one more year.
 
I don’t feel his scores from kindergarten round up can be used to justify him going to kindergarten. I was by his side the whole time, urging him to cooperate. He didn’t fully finish most of the things he was tested in. I know that we have talked about sending him to kindergarten and then having him repeat it a second time. I was OK with that, until I realized that would be basically setting him up for failure. It is like saying, “We are pretty sure you won’t do well…..so plan on doing it over.” He would have to watch other kids his age move to first grade and wonder what was wrong with him.
 
I am fully aware of the limitations that come with keeping kids at the preschool an extra year after they are 5 years old. I know that you cannot keep every student who is just a little behind due to budgets and class sizes, amongst other things. I just hope that you will take into consideration some very important things when thinking about keeping Kayler an extra year. I have fought and been so diligent in getting him the help he needs, and I am not stopping that now.
 
We all know Kayler is very very bright. He memorizes things very easily. He loves learning, and has grown so much by what he has been taught at school. I know that the preschool staff is fully aware that  Kayler learns and applies that knowledge in a correct manner on HIS terms. He might be very bright academically, but the problem comes when it is time for him to stay on task and complete the challenge at hand. It often takes constant encouraging and reminding for him to accomplish things. I notice that on his homework, he quite often doesn't even attempt to finish it. A lot of the time it is blank, or maybe one or two scribbles.
 
A huge part of my concern for him academically is his lack of fine motor skills. I know that he has recently learned to use scissors, and somewhat write his name. I practice all kinds of fine motor skills at home with him. He is making progress surely, but very slowly. . That will be a huge problem in kindergarten, where his peers will be excelling at things that involve coloring/writing, while Kayler struggles and gets very frustrated.
 
Aside from academics, I think his maturity level and ability to understand a lot of things is very behind that of his peers. Not only is he physically smaller than most children his age, his ability to communicate appropriately in a social manner is of concern as well.  He has a hard time keeping his hands to himself and respecting the personal space of others. His level of logical reasoning is unknown. I try to talk with him to see if he truly understands things, but he ends up changing the topic to something he likes to talk about.
 
Kayler still needs a little work when it comes to self-help skills, such as using the restroom and dressing himself. He also can’t be trusted to use the restroom alone and then actually return to his classroom all on his own. He still has a lot of tantrums and takes out his frustration in unacceptable ways. Kayler's pediatrician and I spoke in depth about his size and his concerns with Asperger's. Kayler is currently trying a new medication. Unfortunately, we have not seen a lot of improvement. His pediatrician fully agreed that giving him another year to develop in all areas before starting kindergarten would be the best option. He said he would be more than willing to discuss this with the preschool staff if needed. You have my permission to call him anytime at 789-9060.
 
With all of these concerns set aside, my biggest concern by far is Kayler's safety. I am not one of those moms that is just apprehensive and worried about sending her baby to school. I love to see growth, change, and new opportunities present themselves for my kids.  I am truly worried about his safety at school. Currently, he is restrained with his harness on the bus. As far as I know, he will not have that option on the kindergarten bus. This poses a challenge for the bus driver to ensure he stays in his seat to and from school.  Right now he is accompanied from the bus right to his classroom. In kindergarten, he will be responsible for getting to his classroom all on his own. There is only one bus/parking lot “guard” (the teachers take turns) watching kids get off and on the bus at the elementary school.  Ensuring that every single student makes it into their classroom is not only unrealistic, it is impossible with the amount of kids arriving from the buses and cars.
 
Kids on the Autism spectrum are highly known for running away without realizing the dangers of doing so. G.J. and I have been practicing taking him to public places and holding him responsible for staying close by us and not running away. Unfortunately, this isn't going very well. We have been several places to practice.  We went to the library as a family a few nights ago and within 5 minutes he had escaped and run into the parking lot. A library is a lot like a school setting; the only difference will be that a single teacher will be responsible for 25-30 kids, in addition to Kayler.  Currently, there are two teachers in charge of 10-15 kids at the preschool.  Clearly, the preschool provides a much safer environment for Kayler.  In kindergarten, his chances of running away-- whether it be at recess or during other activities out of the classroom-- will be very high. I truly don't want something bad to happen and to hold the school accountable.
 
Upon talking to the kindergarten teacher, Mr. Graham, he completely agreed with my concerns. You are welcome to call him at any time. His number is 781-3146 ext. 1544. Mr. Graham said that he would never turn a child away from his classroom. He is more than willing to work with Kayler's struggles academically and in other areas. He saw Kayler's potential for learning and was impressed by him.  Mr. Graham said that his concern of safety is number one. We talked a lot about having an aid come to the classroom and help with Kayler the vast majority of the time-but I know that can’t be guaranteed. I know that the district doesn't have the budget to hire a personal aid for one little boy. We talked about the option of me volunteering as an aid in his classroom to help with safety and other issues that might arise. I feel this would not be a good idea, because my presence would not allow Kayler the growth he needs to develop on his own with his peers and his new school environment. Along with that, the current principal and the new principal for next year at Discovery will not allow teacher requests. There will be a new kindergarten teacher coming to Discovery next year. I feel very comfortable with Mr. Graham and know that he would be great to work with, but it can’t even be guaranteed that Kayler would have him as a teacher. I would like to have a very positive and open relationship with whomever his teacher might be.
 
Mr. Graham and I also talked about our concerns with the construction that will be going on at Discovery next year. Kayler is definitely sensitive when it comes to changes in his surroundings/routine. It will be very hard for him to start kindergarten in the temporary classrooms that they have set up for the kindergartners, and then move him to a new environment/classroom mid-year. I don't know if the bus driver had mentioned this to anyone at the preschool, but one day his regular driver was sick. Her bus was also being repaired. So a substitute driver came in a different bus. Kayler absolutely lost it when he realized that the bus was not the same bus # that he usually rode on. She said he cried pretty much the whole way to school. Getting him used to change and transitions is something that I work on constantly with him.
 
I am a firm believer that the first few years of elementary school affect the rest of his schooling later on. If he begins school and has a very negative experience, his positive future in the upper grades is so uncertain. Without an aid present to assist the teacher in keeping him on track and safe, along with his delays/issues in other areas, I think it may be a very rough start for him. His negative behaviors cannot be ignored at school just because of his challenges. It is not fair for him to not have the same rules and consequences as the “normal” students. I think that if he is constantly being told no, and being reprimanded, it will really damage his sense of worth and well-being.
 
I truly hope and pray that you will agree with me that one more year of preschool will be beyond beneficial for him. I feel that the improvements he can make academically and socially will get him caught up with his peers. The older he gets I know that his reasoning skills about his own safety will get better.  I am certain that a year of growth will give him the very best chance to succeed. I get so worried thinking about him not having school at all next year. If he is not going to kindergarten and if the preschool won’t keep him, that is a whole year of growth he will be missing out on. Even enrolling him in a private preschool elsewhere would not be as beneficial to him as staying at Central Cove where he will get the kind of help he needs.”

Told ya it was intense and long and wordy....And after I read it again it seems kind of desperate and whiny...oh well

So of course, after I sent that off before the meeting things changed. I honestly don't think they expected me to fight the fact. So I still went to the meeting to discuss some goals for him, but we have a Final decision (or Placement) meeting on the 29th.....so almost 2 more weeks of waiting and fretting. I think the hardest thing is that the final decision comes down to 1 person. This person only sees Kayler in passing, and gets a limited account from his teachers and therapists and gets to make a decision based on that.

The thing with both of these things is that I need to trust in the Lord's will. Only HE knows what is best for me and my family. I can't see beyond the next few months, and he can. He knows my strengths and weaknesses.

"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

I am trying so very hard to fill my life and home with righteous things. Lots of prayer, fasting, temple attendance, and studying. That way, no matter what happens I will be close to the lord and will be able to handle things with a smile.

Now on to my 2nd favorite week of the year, Easter week. I love Christmas first and foremost....celebrating our Savior's birth. Easter is as significant...or perhaps even more so. I get extremely choked up thinking about it. I have sharing time next week...on Easter. I am actually excited about it for once. I want my kids (and the primary kids) to truly love the Savior and what he has done for all mankind:



I love this picture. Someday I am going to buy me a picture of it.

Kayler had his 5 year check up, immunizations, and some blood work. Need I say DRAMA!!! He said things to the Dr, nurses, and people taking his blood:

“I hate you all very much!”
“when I get done I am punching you in the face!”
“You are ruining my life!”
“When I get home I am going to cry in my bedroom!”
“I am calling the cops on you!”

Good thing I warned them beforehand he is a little verbal with his frustrations! After we got home he told me, “I hate that Dinosaur Dr. (Dr Pollary at Dinosaurland ped.) I hate his house, and his gloves, and his face.”

It was bad timing to get all of it done. The morning of his appt. he had a little cough. It has turned into a full force croupy cough. Pair that with his VERY sore legs from his immunizations, and he is one miserable boy. I feel bad saying this...but it is quite nice to have him sick. He just lays in one spot and is very content. He refuses to walk on his legs, so I carry him where I want him and he stays put!! Because of that, we got MASSIVE amounts of yard work done and it looks so nice!

So, I have high hopes for lots of good things this week! I will try much harder to take pictures and actually remember what we have been up to!

p.s. While blogging I have been listening to Sounds of Sunday....What are the chances that THREE songs in a row all about Faith and this story was read???

By Glenn Rawson

Fear and faith cannot exist in the same person at the same time. They cancel each other, as illustrated.

Jesus had spent the day at the seaside teaching in parables. Multitudes crowded him until finally he gave the word to his disciples, “Let us pass over unto the other side.” They sent away the multitudes and set sail for the eastern side of the Sea of Galilee. No sooner were they en route, than Jesus retired to the back of the ship and fell asleep on a pillow. But there arose a great storm of wind, causing waves to break over the ship. With the ship in danger of swamping, the disciples were filled with fear. They came to Jesus and woke him, “Master, carest thou not that we perish?”

Immediately Jesus arose and “rebuked the wind and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.” With tranquility now restored, Jesus turned to his disciples and said, “Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?”

In a sense that question is shocking. He knew perfectly well why they were frightened, but clearly, he expected better of them. It was as though he was saying ‘You know better than this. Why are you listening to the voice of your fears and not the voice of faith? He is implying that they had a choice, and they chose fear over faith; a poor choice.

In the aftermath the disciples were stunned. They had expected him to do something or they would not have awakened him, but what he did overwhelmed even them. They seemed actually more afraid of him when it was over than they had been of the storm. “What manner of man is this,” they said one to another, “That even the wind and the sea obey him?”

What is the lesson in this story? Jesus was, and still is, so much more than we can possibly imagine. He is all powerful. When he tells us to choose faith over fear, we have to believe that we have the power to make that choice. Fear, of course, is the natural choice, but we cannot be natural — not if we would know the great calm he has the power to bring to our lives.