"post cruise blues..."

In a farewell show on the boat, the cruise director told us that we would have “Post Cruise Blues” the week after the cruise. Boy was he right…but what he is wrong about is I am having a full “post cruise depression”….and in my case, it has nothing to do with the cruise.

Let me get a few points out there before I finish this post. First off...I know I am blessed…I have a very grateful heart, so please don’t judge me on the fact that I am beyond grateful for the blessings in my life. Also, this is a “Debbie Downer”: type of a post…so if you find yourself feeling depressed reading it….don’t blame me, I warned you. You also will be offended…pretty much guaranteed…. and although I won’t mean to offend anyone…after reading this some might make the choice to be offended. I normally hold these types of thoughts which turn into blog posts inside my mind…but after this week where I cried myself to sleep every night…I need to document why I am so sad or else I am going to burst.

This past week has seriously been one of the hardest emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally…..etc. Just plain bad. I can’t pin point any one thing-just a whole bunch all happening at once...This pictures explains so much:



You think, “What is up with a Christmas picture???” Well, it is not just any picture. It is a glimpse into my life when things were much happier….and better. What I wouldn’t give to go back. Part of my frustration with this week has been my kids…

Looking at the picture you see Hallie and Gavin. They are doing great regardless, but I am just so frustrated and torn that I can’t give them the life and attention they want/deserve. The reason being for that is Kayler-who is having a beyond terrible week. First off…let me give Hallie and Gavin credit. They have to give up so many fun and good things to please Kayler or prevent a tantrum. Whether it is toys, food, going somewhere fun, watching their favorite show….they come last. They are usually so good about it too. Hallie and Gavin had friends over Friday. I felt so bad for them (the friends and Hallie and Gavin) as Kayler literally destroyed everything they tried to do. I try with every fiber of my being to make it equal and NOT like that…but my efforts are useless most days. People are so judgmental of me thinking that I mistreat my other kids and baby/prefer Kayler. Well I would like to see ANYONE do better. Even so called “experts” in parenting/autism/families can not fix ALL problems that come with having a special needs child in the home.

We had a talk the other day about people dying. It was brought up how sad I would be if any of my kids died. (because regardless of the negativity of this post…I love my kids with all my heart, and would be devastated if anything happened to them) Anyways, Gavin was there listening and he piped up and said, “I wouldn’t care if Kayler died, because then me and Hallie could have more fun and Mommy wouldn’t cry anymore about him….” Talk about a punch in the gut.

People are so horribly judgmental, grudge holding, and just so naïve about our situation. I have people tell me their frustrations of their own kids…which I really do care and want to listen and offer advice…but I am sorry-NOTHING any “normal” kid whatever age they might be can even compare with the frustrations that Kayler brings about. I have raised 2 “normal” kids, and had plenty of worries and rough days with them…and while I know that even the best kids can be challenging-there is no comparison of what I go through with Kayler. We are talking about 10-15 fits (and unless you have seen an autistic fit…you have no clue what a “fit” is) a day. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep well, screams a lot, is very violent…..Yet in the next breath he is sweet and kind as an angel…a perfectly normal 4 year old boy. It is a constant change of emotions and I find myself gearing up and bracing for the worst….when sometimes he is super sweet. Speaking of normal…he looks so normal, so the older he gets…I sure get some angry glares or unwelcome words of advice for my “naughty” boy. It is not like he has a physical impairment that automatically brings about a level of compassion in onlookers.

This past week I have been so tired and I feel like I am trying everything to get him to act a little better. I have seriously scared myself at the amount of frustration and anger I have towards him. I never give him spankings…in fact none of my kids get spanked, it is not an effective parenting technique if you ask me. With Kayler I feel like spanking him VERY often, but I am so afraid that once I started I couldn’t stop…and that is such a sickening feeling to have as a mother. He has been screaming bloody murder to NOT go to school…which is a devastating scene when I put him on the bus clinging to me begging me not to send him. It is so hard at the store or at his school where I see other kids his age/size and I realize how different he is. It is also so hard to get his report card home (yes...he has a report card since he is in the district preschool)-let me just say, it is nothing to be proud of or hang on a fridge….

I could name time and time and time….and situation upon situation of the things that have gone wrong with him, but he is mostly horrible at church-namely Sharing time. I was crying the other day thinking that it has been almost a whole year of me trying to get him to behave and at least make it through a sharing time without anything bad. I think we have had 1-2 times where he did remotely well-the other times have been hell. It takes me, his teachers, my brother, and G.J. to keep the peace for a 1 hour part of church. I can’t tell you how bad my heartstrings are torn to shreds as I watch his class with kids younger than him acting perfectly well. I also can’t even begin to describe the guilt that I feel for feeling this way about my precious baby boy….my own flesh and blood. I am horrible and so ashamed. I am so filled with guilt about this amongst other things I often feel I am consumed by guilt.

Yesterday I called/texted some family and close friends to ask if they would fast/pray for him today. I feel such a lack in my own faith, and I know with all my heart that fasting and prayer does work…and I am so grateful for those that helped out with that. Speaking of church….I feel like Kayler has made me hate it. I truly dread going, and that is no way to feel. I am OK during Sacrament…but because I am in Primary. which has frustrations of it’s own, Kayler or no Kayler…I never get any spiritual enlightening. I am so ashamed to say that right now I feel I am the farthest away from being spiritual that I have been in my whole marriage. I feel that my lack of spirituality brings forth nothing for my spot in the presidency, and I have a lot of guilt about not doing my very best in my calling, because that is what I have promised to do. I dread fighting Kayler the whole time in sharing time. I hate the disapproving glares…from kids and teachers alike. There are some that think it is “cute” and that I should just let him run all over….sorry that teaches nothing-and presents a lot of other problems for other kids who want to do the same thing. In the back of my mind I secretly wish I could not go to church at all….but the last scrap of logical in me tells me that is not a good choice and will get me no where in the end.

So…I am switching my complaining gears to G.J.’s job. I am very grateful he has a job that he loves and that is stable. What I don’t like is that I feel sometimes he loves his job more than us. Who wouldn’t want to get away from the chaos that we have at home though? With the new Vernal City building going up, he has been swamped. I feel that the only time he talks to me is to tell me about the new building. I have a lot of resentment towards his job because they get more of his attention than our family does. Not to mention, he is not getting paid a penny more for all this extra stress/work. He make a decent amount of money…but it isn’t enough to raise our family. I hate money stresses/woes. It literally eats away at me some days. That is why I have to work…which brings about my next frustration….

I am glad I have people who seek after my cleaning services and trust me. I enjoy it to an extent, but I truly wish I didn’t have to do it at all. But we have kids who need to eat and food costs money so I have to keep doing it…unless by a miracle G.J. gets a raise. I guess I am just angry at my job because at times I feel used and so unappreciated. I always wonder if my sacrifice away from home even truly matters…..but like I said, I do enjoy it for the most part.

So while I am on the band wagon of my complaining rant….let me lead you to my loneliness. How could a person such as me surrounded by a huge family be lonely….? Well it is easy. My mom and I aren’t close. I don’t have sisters. I have sister in laws who I love, but they are busy with their lives. I have great friends….but everyone has their own lives and most are just too busy for me. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have dialed friends’ numbers in my darkest hours praying they will answer and they don’t. I feel I don’t have 1 best friend/person in my life who would do anything for me, truly accept me for who I am (after hearing every aspect of my life that makes me “me”), let me cry on their shoulder (not that I would to begin with-since I don’t cry often…but the thought is nice!) , let me call every day to just “chat” and just feel the void that is ever so present. I feel like I try a little too hard sometimes. Along with that, the fact that I don’t have an extra special close friend is a lot my fault for not opening up more and allowing someone to be that person for me. The past few weeks the phrase, “nice guys finish last” has been going through my mind. It is so true when it comes to me. Maybe if I was mean, raunchy, flaky, and unkind I would be better off. The people I know who are like that are just as much liked/admired as I am. It seems that I am very easy to be mean to, to blow off, and not many people worry about disappointing me.

I think a problem that compounds things for the worse even further is the fact that I don’t feel well a lot of the time. Someone said once that I was “always” sick….which if you ask me they are saying I am a hypochondriac…a term I despise. I find it strange that I really don’t get the common colds and flus that most get. I get the stupid rare annoying ailments that pester me day in and day out. I truly and honestly don’t feel well in a lot of ways. I won’t even try to explain what or why, but what I wouldn’t give for a healthy body and mind…I did work for 6+ weeks with a friend of mine that is a personal trainer. It about killed me to wake up at 5:30 and work my guts out at the Rec. Center. I will say that I gained a lot of muscle and strength. I lost 10 lbs or so, and LOTS of inches…but I still have a long way to go. Now with my depressed mood and bad attitude I am letting all that hard work go to waste. I used to be O.K. with the fact that I was a little overweight and not drop dead gorgeous. I felt that I made up for it by being a pretty person on the inside. I felt that as long as I smiled and acted happy…nobody would know how miserable I get sometimes. Now I am none of those things, and I am having a hard time pretending.

I am offering no apologies for this post. I know it was blunt and overly honest. I know for a fact that every person reading will have found offense in something I have said….but choosing to be offended is just that, a choice and it is your problem-not mine. For those of you who actually read all the way through this-first off…thank you-you are probably amongst the few good true friends I have and that I am grateful for. I will always be grateful for people who take time on my behalf for the positive. Secondly…surprise! what you see on the outside is not always what is on the inside. The grass is definitely not greener in my neck of the woods. I often have people tell me that they are so jealous of my clean house and my organized ways and my cute kids all dressed and looking nicely….I kind of want to puke when I think of how “disorganized” my inner house and inner self is. Third…please don’t let this scare you away from confiding in me….crying on MY shoulder….and expressing your own frustrations and concerns about your lifes….I truly do love to listen. No matter how bad my life seems to be, I always have time to listen to others.

So…here is to trying to overcome the “post cruise blues”….I am working on enjoying Christmas in a good way. I love you all! :)