Wowzerz....Be Prepared.

Last time I checked my private blog “invite” list, I had around 87 readers. I am guessing that only around 20 of those invited actually read my blog, and only half of that actually take the time to leave comments (which I appreciate very much by the way!)

Anyways, that being said, I am hoping that this post will be skimmed over by the vast majority of readers….as it is a pity party post, and even though as I type I already feel guilty for the things I am thinking/typing….it has to be done.

You see, my blog is my very own personal journal. It is also my psychologist….unpaid of course, but very much needed and appreciated. The fact that some of you out there in blogger world care to read my ramblings is just a bonus, but consider yourself warned…I am in the worst mood I have been in for a very long time, and this isn’t going to be pretty. Oh yeah, and it is super super long. Even for a long winded, fast typing person like me.

First off, let me give you a photo recap of our Salt Lake trip from 3/10-3/13:



I tried a new collage format, I don't know if I am a fan yet, but it was sure quicker! You will just have to guess where and what each picture is.

Wednesday we headed out later than expected because the darn hospital had “mistakenly” ordered the medication for Gavin’s injection for the next day….Gee thanks hospital….The kids could have missed one less day of school, G.J. one less day of work, and one less night to pay for at the hotel. Whatever.

We got there, did a little shopping, got settled in our hotel, went and saw my brother and sister in law and their cute new puppy, headed to Orem and met up with my friend Nikki and her hubby and 2 adorable girls at Pirate Island Pizza. Then we did a little more shopping, headed back to hotel, and slept very well.

Thursday began bright and early. Luckily our hotel had a really yummy breakfast each morning, and the kids were being very well behaved. Let me put this disclaimer in….. “the kids were being very well behaved.” At the time…I considered it a blessing, and now I know that something was “up.”

Gavin was injected with some radioactive nuclear junk…they left the IV in his arm, and sent us on our way for 4 hours until his next appt. I made sure to make the trip worthwhile, and scheduled G.J. an appt. at an ENT nearby the hospital he had been needing to see forever. So the kids sat in the waiting room with me….still being very well behaved.

We returned to the hospital where Gavin had his octreoscan. It took a very long time, but that hospital is so dang awesome. They let our whole family in the room with him, turned on cartoons, joked with us, were very kind…..I was very glad of that.

After that the kids were SO excited to finally get to use the pool at our hotel. This pool was not just any pool, it was an indoor waterpark, kind of like a mini version of our Rec. Center here in Vernal. It was at the Holiday Inn Express by the E Center. We had a great time swimming and just relaxing.

After getting bathed and put back together, we went out to dinner…I know shocking. The kids were being so good; I decided we would go to a real restaurant while being out of town. Usually we just do drive through, because the kids (or should I say Kayler) gets super upset just by being out of his usual routine that restaurants are the last place we want to go.

Yet again, the kids did great. So great in fact that we went to the Hollywood Connection indoor amusement park thing that was close by after dinner. It was fun…not busy at all, and the kids did great and had a lot of fun.

Friday G.J. had to go to work up in Ogden….remember we tried to make this trip worthwhile?! I didn’t think I could have handled all my kids at Primary Children’s all by myself so I dropped off Hallie and Kayler to my brother Kris. Gavin had the same long round of testing, and we were out of there in 2 hours.

The kids were dying to go to the aquarium. We went and let them see all the super cool fish….it really was neat, but it cost me $39 bucks to go there. This trip was getting awfully expensive very fast. It was then that I realized that Hallie and Kayler were NOT feeling well, and they were rapidly getting worse. It only took from the time I dropped Kris off at his house to getting to the hotel to meet back up with G.J. that afternoon to realize that they were really sick. They automatically fell asleep as soon as they hit the hotel beds, something so uncharacteristic of both of them. I am a mean mom, and made G.J. stay there while I finished some shopping.

We had been invited to dinner at G.J.’s brother’s house….and I thought about cancelling, but we still went because after their naps, I thought they were doing a little better. Sure enough, as soon as we walk in, Hallie and Kayler were so sick they couldn’t leave the couch. We had a great dinner, but I feel so bad for ruining all the fun with my sick kids.

G.J.’s sister is an office manager at a local Dr.’s Office. She was so kind to offer to take our kids in to check their temperatures, and give them a quick strep test. They both had fevers of 102-103 give or take, and Kayler started puking. She decided to just torture Hallie with the strep test, and sure enough, it was positive.

So even though that was helpful, she isn’t a Dr., and can’t give us the meds, so we had to search our insurance for an instacare facility close by….let me add that at this point it is 9 p.m. We finally found one in GHETTO-VILLE West Valley-seriously, it was scary. I was so relieved when a very nice, clean, friendly woman Dr. came in. She was so sweet to my kids, commenting on how cute they were, and being very sympathetic to the situation. She tested Hallie and Kayler for strep, both +. She asked to test Gavin, just in case…..even though he had ZERO symptoms, he came back + as well. So I ended up having to pay 3 co pays for an Emergency service…due to their policy no meds can be prescribed for just anyone. So getting help for G.J. and I was not an option at that point. Makes sense….but huge pain for us.

So….thank goodness for 24 hour Walgreens, because we left getting their antibiotics at like 11:30 p.m.or so….and it was 1 a.m. before I crashed. The morning came all too quickly, and we were off to Disney On Ice. This was after packing up 3 days of laundry and supplies our family had used since being there….boy that is a lot of work! We ended up getting one night free, because our peephole on our door kept falling out….it left a gaping hole in the door, and I just kindly mentioned it to the lady checking us out. She offered the free night…and I am all about saving money, especially since the night before I had shelled out hundreds for stupid strep.

Of course, my luck would not be complete without waking up to more bad news. G.J. woke up sicker than a dog….and we knew it was the same thing the kids had. Thank goodness I stayed well-physically at least! At this point I was not a happy camper mentally. We had to pack up and meet my family at Disney on Ice. It was really cute…but let me share a picture that broke my heart:



While all the other kids oohed and ahhed…My poor little guy had to plug his ears the whole time. It was just TOO much for him. I just wanted to cry the whole time watching him.

We left for home during a huge snow storm….the roads were seriously so bad. Poor G.J. tried to help, but he was getting sicker and sicker. It was then that I realized that we wouldn’t be making it home in time to get G.J. some meds. I decided to do something desperate, and call a guy in our ward who is the PA at Urgent Care in Vernal. He was SO nice, and called in antibiotics for both G.J. and I.

So after unloading all that crap from being gone and trying to get our house back in order, get kids cleaned up….all 5 of us our antibiotics….here I sit, feeling incredibly frustrated, annoyed, angry, and quite frankly very pissed off at the world.

So, I decided to make a list of all the things that are really really bothering me right now:

1. I HATE Cancer. Last week I said goodbye to Raema….my cousin, the mother of my cousin Heather, who just happens to be one of my closest friends. We got the phone call that she has passed away very early Friday morning. The only comfort was that my mom got to be there with her when she died. They were best friends. I feel very bad for Heather….the rest of her family….my mom….it just sucks.

2. I hate sickness of any kind. Being at Primary Children’s, you just have to be there 5 minutes and glance around at unthinkable sickness and sadness. You can’t help to feel grateful for your own trial. Which I still am, but I am pissed off that we had to be there in the first place. Why can’t my kids be perfect and healthy? Why does Gavin have this illness? Why did they have to get so sick on our “vacation” of sorts? Don’t I deserve a break? Why? Why? Why?-it is not fair, and I am SO done with sickness, medical bills….. I get teary even thinking of what we have gone through-even though it is not nearly as bad as some…it is bad to me, and it is hard-harder than I ever let anyone know.

3. I am mad about money-and the lack thereof.

4. I am mad that I had such terrible pregnancies, that I had colicky babies (minus Kayler), and that I didn’t take the time to enjoy the situation more, even if it was hard at the time. Now I feel very empty. I feel a longing for that time to come again. I will never have another baby-it is final-and it hurts. I have 3 precious children…..but somehow my ungrateful heart is not recognizing that, and here I sit feeling empty.

5. I hate Autism…..HATE IT. I hate that my little boy has to suffer.

6. I hate that I missed Women’s Conference today…I could have used a big spiritual pick me up. I have been lacking. Probably due to the fact that I am very busy hating things. Maybe that’s it. I want to feel the spirit more fully and deeply. Maybe I should get rid of these angry feelings….I am trying.

7. I hate that my marriage isn’t better. Don’t get me wrong-we are doing just fine. It has been almost 10 years (in May) Unfortunately, these past 2…since Kayler was diagnosed have been the worst. I am still very in love….but we have both aged SO much in the past 2 years. We both have an unspoken worry about so many things….and I hate that too.

8. I hate cold weather. Maybe if this place would warm up, so would my mood.

9. I hate feeling self conscious. I am not an idiot-it doesn’t take a genius to realize that I am not the most pretty, skinny, put together, healthy eating, exercising, happy go lucky person. I just don’t want to be bothered with being bothered about not being good enough….does that make sense?

10. I get lonely-sounds absurd doesn’t it? I just am not that close with my Mom at all. I have no sisters. My relationships with my Sisters-in-law are good….just not like having a real sister. I have LOTS of great friends-which I am eternally grateful for….but not necessarily a best friend that knows my every struggle, trial, and fear. So even amidst my crazy life with church, work, kids, their school, their friends, my wonderful husband-I am still lonely, and I am mad at myself for feeling that way.

11. I hate not being the someone that people make me out to be. On one hand, I have the people who think I have it all…They probably think that all the above things don’t worry me in the slightest, and that just because my house is clean, my kids well groomed, and I am organized- I am happy as a lark….SO not true.

I also hate being “THAT” type of person-you know, the one who has all the bad things happen to her. Yep, that is me. I had a painful realization the other day. I had so many people tell me what bad luck I had been having lately. It kind of started with the penny swallowing incident in December. The flooding in January. The tumor diagnosis at the same time. The hysterectomy of February…..and a snowball of events interspersed throughout. I am “THAT” girl that some people who know me well are glad they are not. I have the type of things happen to me that are often unthinkable to others…because things like that don’t happen to them….only to people like me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I am not bearing my trials well….and I am ashamed. I have a lesson to learn, but I am a slow learner apparently.

Oh my goodness…do I feel better! O.K. that is a lie too, but I am glad I have typed this all out. I know that with all my heart that I will look back on this difficult time in my life and laugh….or have better and different emotions than I am having right now. Who knows-I might wake up in the morning....yes is it super late at night, or is it morning already? I might have second thoughts and come back and delete this post all together....who knows with me lately!

So at the beginning of this post I gave numbers of how many people would actually read this whole post in it’s entirety. I think I will guess apprx. 95% gave up after the first few paragraphs….So that is fine-like I said, my blog, my worries, my very own psychologist.

p.s. We won’t get any results from Gavin’s tests until later in the week….but it is not looking promising so far for any encouraging or noteworthy findings.