I'm ready to Talk...

It has taken me nearly a month....and I think I am finally ready to talk/type/blog about something horrific that happened to me.

Part of the reason I haven't recorded my feelings is that I have been so.so.flipping.angry. SO angry. Angry at life in general. My luck, my karma, the HUGE amount of trust the lord has in me, and just how truly crappy things can get.

It all started on August 28^th. I was at the temple when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I dismissed it thinking I had a tummy ache. It was on my right side...and I had already had my appendix removed and my ovary removed-I need to ignore it right? When I got home I noticed that my abdomen was swelling, and quite honestly I felt like I had the hugest fart in the history of farts getting ready to come out. Except it wouldn't come out...and things started to get worse.

I think that G.J. had to pick the boys up from school for me...because I was in a world of hurt by that afternoon. I tried everything to make my stomach to stop hurting. I texted my cousin Nicole to ask her a few questions because she works at Urgent Care. She was kind enough to talk to the PA there and tell him my symptoms and it was agreed that I needed to be seen at the ER or a Dr.

Right when I didn't think I could take it anymore...a member of our bishopric called and asked if G.J. and I could come meet with them in like 30 minutes. So what do I do, put my fake happy face on...put a dress on...and drag my sorry butt and my swelling and painful stomach to the bishop's office. This is when they asked me to be in the Young Womens.

I went home thinking at this point that the lord was a little crazy. Why would he let me physically feel so awful and then trust me with a calling that is so important. I went to sleep-sort of...and had an awful night. I was SOOO close to driving myself to the hospital.

But....instead I waited until I dropped the kids off at school on Wednesday morning. At this point if I ate, I threw up. I could not go to the bathroom. I couldn't even move wrong without writhing in pain. I just got on my cell phone and started to drive myself to Roosevelt. I called a general Dr./surgeon over there who just happened to have an opening right away.

I met with a new Dr, Dr. Jonah Greene. I was very pleased with him. Upon examining me, and me telling him what was wrong...his first response was, “WHY didn't you go to the ER!!!” I just told him that my copay at the Dr.'s office was cheaper ;)

Since I hadn't eaten anything, he was able to get me in right away for a CT scan. He gave me some pain medication and sent me home and told me he would call me ASAP with results. He called by the time I had come home, and let me know that there was a mass on my right side. Which was confusing to me because I had already had my appendix and right ovary removed...so why was there something still there?

He said I would need a “quick” and “easy” procedure the next morning. So...I didn't tell a soul besides GJ...I probably would have driven myself over for surgery if they would have let me. I hate bothering people. We dropped the kids off at school and figured we would be home before they were out of school. Simple as that right??? WRONG!---why can't I learn my lesson that my life is just not meant to be easy.

A 30 minute procedure turned into a 3 hour procedure. All I remember is waking up in immense pain and hearing the Dr. tell G.J. that they found a mass/cyst/growth thing and he wasn't quite sure what it was. It was somewhat kinking/blocking my bowel-hence the incredible stomach ache. I was so so so sick and the poor nurse taking care of me didn't know quite what to do.

It was quite late by the time we got to leave. So my plans of not telling anybody got ruined. We had to call G.J.'s mom to go get the kids from school. We had to call my mom to tell her that things weren't going so well. But beyond that I didn't really tell anybody else.

I think it was by far the worst surgery I have had. It only got worse when while throwing up on Friday I ended up breathing some in...and ended up back in the hospital with Aspiration Pneumonia. I have never had anything like that in my life. I felt the need to cough so badly...because essentially there was vomit in my lungs...but it hurt like HELL to cough, sneeze, laugh, move, etc. It was horrendous.

I stayed in bed the best I could that next week. Word sort of spread to other family and friends. My RS president dropped by to bring me some papers and I guess I looked pretty miserable, so I had to tell her. And of course-our ward is super nice/kind...so it was so thoughtful of them to bring meals in for a few days. It was then that I realized that I was being very very wrong to not tell people. The lord sometimes gives us trials so that other people can receive blessings for helping us.

The next week after that I think I pushed myself to hard too soon to get back into life. I ended up paying the cost for that with an infection on one of my 4 incisions...and had a pretty miserable weekend.

The past week or more has still been a bit tough. Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, Spiritually.....I have struggled. Mostly with anger, and that is not a good thing. I haven't been sleeping well. I am still in a bit of pain. The medical bills are rolling in....and oh YES.....guess what it was that they found after doing the pathology report??? (I think this is where my anger comes in)

When I went for my checkup with Dr. Greene...he asked right away who removed my ovary. I told him it was done 6 years ago by Dr. Griffith here in Vernal. He looked me straight in the eye and told me to start saving the bills and to find a lawyer, because it was his negligence that caused this.

Apparently when he took my ovary out, he “forgot” to take the fallopian tube along with it. He cut it from my ovary, and cut it from my uterus, and just left it in there. From what I have read-spoken to other Dr.'s about, this is not normal. That fallopian tube just happened to have a large cyst in it. I went to Dr. Griffith not once, not twice, but 3 times over that next year after the surgery telling him that something was NOT right...and his response to me was basically that I was crazy and that I had no appendix, no ovary, and I just needed to get it out of my head.

So for the past 6 years I would get occasional pain in that area...but I would assure myself that I was just “crazy” so to speak...and that I needed to not let it bother me. The reason I got so sick and required surgery is because that cyst/growth had somehow kinked my bowel...

So as I said before, I think I am angry because I tried to tell the Dr 6 years ago that things weren't right, and I was ignored. I have just endured my 10^th surgery in 12 years. NOT.NORMAL.----NOT normal. It makes me feel like I am a flawed, weak, mess of a human being that my body wont function properly.

I feel so bad to make my family suffer while I am sick and down. I can hide it from my kids as best as I can-but they still know that mommy isn't feeling good. My sweet loving husband has seen me suffer and be at my absolute worst...and he never complains. I could never ever ever do this without his help. Through all of my trials, he is my one constant blessing, and I never ever take that for granted.

So---thats my story. I am hoping to finish September out on a positive note. Along with that I have a sincere hope and prayer in my heart that the rest of this year will go much better. I am grateful the lord spared my life, and that it wasn't something worse, because it could have been. I'm sorry to all my blogger friends who are close friends in real life...I didn't intentionally not tell you, I just honestly was so wrapped up in trying to function that I didn't have the time to talk to anyone.

To end on a positive note...hooray for Fall...hooray for the rain today...and hooray for beautiful family pictures:

All photos done by Mindy Smith.