I have been thinking about doing this
post for a few weeks now...and finally had the time to do so.
I need advice from all my wonderful
blog readers. All of you can relate perfectly to me because you were
all teenage girls once (except you G.J.-you are my only male reader!)
My sweet, tiny, adorable, precious,
kind, smart, important, wonderfully beautiful Hallie is growing up
TOO quick!! She will be 12 in a little over 6 months...and I am
freaking out! Don't get me wrong, she is still very very innocent
and sweet. She is MUCH more naive and innocent than I was at her
age....which is kind of strange to think about, but anyways, she is.
I feel like I have had this deep inner
fear since the moment she was born that I HAD to protect her from
life's horrific things. From the mean people, horrible things in
society, from pain, lessons learned, bad choices etc. I have spent
many hours awake at night thinking of the mistakes and heartache that
I endured as a teenager....and then spent many more hours thinking
and praying how I could spare her those same experiences.
Just this week....it hit me hard. You
see...Hallie has been begging for an email address (as well as a facebook account and cell phone-but those are a definite NO right now). She always uses
my email for some of the silly learning games she plays online. No harm
done to get her one right?? Well....I told her she could but that I
would have full access to it. She received an email from one of her
best friends who she has had since Kindergarten who just happens to
be a BOY. He is a very very good boy...but he emailed her and said he
now considers her his GIRLFRIEND.....WHAT!?!?!?!? Put the breaks
on...I broke out in a sweat as I read her excited response to him.
I feel like I am being a spy on her
evolving private life, but I also feel I have a right to monitor her.
I want to give her freedom and my trust...but I also feel it has to
be earned. So I had a great talk explaining that it is perfectly OK
to have a crush on someone, but that the boyfriend/girlfriend game is
something I really prefer she does not start.
But since then this overwhelming
feeling of anxiety and panic will not leave me. I want to be the best
mom I can for her. I want to say/do/teach her in a kind loving way
the things and tools she will need to best prepare her for the cruel
world awaiting her in middle, junior, and high school. I have this
big fear that I will say too much or too little....and then have
regrets.
I think back to my own mom when I was
her age. She was a good mom, but there were MANY things she could
have said/done that would have helped me immensely. It may not have
changed the outcome of my life much, but still...I can't help buy
wonder. I think of my friends' moms and YW leaders and the positive
things that they did or said that had an impact on my life. I truly
have been trying so hard to implement anything positive that I
remember and use it for Hallie.
So.....I know that I am a good mom. I'm
not perfect....but I am consistently trying. If you have a
moment....would you pretty please share something that your mom or
dad or other positive influence during your adolescents did/said or
didn't do or say to you that made a positive impact on you making
good decisions. Since I have the oldest kid of all my friends....I
can then put those things to use...and hopefully have some good
advice for all of you when your kids get to this age!! thanks so
much...and with me luck, this is only the beginning :)
So...until then, here are some pictures
from a cool hike we went on a couple weeks ago above my parents
house. We truly live in the coolest/most beautiful place!
10 comments:
Oh goodness reading this gave me that anxiety that you have, for Addi. I am dreading her growing up and learning the ways of the world. Ty and I have talked about what we would do/say to her when she gets older. We were both raised very differently. My parents were very private people and didn't talk to me about hardly anything. Ty on the other hand had a very open mom. We have chosen to go the open route when Addi gets to that age. Ty knew he could always go to his mom with any questions and she would answer him truthfully. He also knew the consequences of actions because she told him about them. He said that he never chose to do bad things because he wasn't told that it was absolutely wrong. She let him have his agency, but also gave him some warning. I would rather my kids hear things from their parents instead of their friends. We want Addi to know that she can trust us. It is so sad to see their perfect innocence get taken away because we live in a corrupt world.
So there is my two cents. I hope you come to some peace with how to handle things. Good luck :)
I don't really know. But I came across a pamphlet put out by the church that is just wonderful. (Kristen B. recommended to me) It tells you how and when to teach kids about intimacy, etc. I think it is called "A Parents Guide". You can get it on the church website. (or you can come borrow mine first) Anyway, it isn't too much and perfect I think. Good luck. I look forward to that age, but at the same time I don't.;)
Um... Good luck with this. :)
Kan,
I am soooo glad I have boys! LOL I think it is a very fine we as parents have to walk. To much restriction and control leads to resentment and rebellion (usually). What I do know is that if you teach her right and wrong, and you do not waiver in your values, she will come to understand those things. To say that she will never hurt, never suffer, and never have a "boyfriend" is unrealistic. BUT, re-enforcing those values everyday is all you can do. Parenting is the hardest most important calling we have on this earth. I am like you and literally loose sleep over my kids and what "could" happen to them. My mom held fast to so many things she made me crazy. No dating before 16, no short shorts, no tank tops, no sleeveless dresses. I always felt like the odd man out, but I look back now grateful that she did not give in. Trust me, I still snuck it all in when I could, BUT my moms voice was always in my head. Just know that if you trust in the Lord and keep the spirit near you, you will know how to help and support her when she will need you most. GOOD LUCK!!! :)
I dread being in this situation! It's not spying if you and her have agreed that this will be the arrangment. I think consistency and follow through are key to parenting. keeping a very open relationship about how all parties are feeling hopefully will continue as kids grow up and avoid some of the stupid situations we found ourselves in when we were younger. I also think it's just as important for Dad's to be involved just as much as the Mom's. My Dad was always a part of the importnant (well not all but most!)talks I had with my mom. And I always knew I had my Dad's support because of this. Not sure this is helping at all but it's my thoughts on it!
Sounds like you're already on the right path. I think the full access is the way to go, and being up front about it. I think since you are conscience of it right now, I think that is where the difference is. You are trying to be open and make it easy for her to come to you. I always wished (and still do) that I had that with my mom. I always envied my friends relationships like that. Girls are so hard I think. But just stay consistent and keep talking and keep the door open just like you are, and I think many opportunities will present themselves for you to show her that she can lean on you.
First of all, great pictures!!
And, yes I have those feelings as well already. I am dying for the day when my kids start experiencing real life things. I actually think the little boyfriend thing with Hallie is just cute. She is the sweetest, most innocent girl ever and hardly think you will ever have to worry much about her. I think it's great that you are so involved and I think it's a good idea to always have full access to email, texting, facebook, etc with your kids! It's hard to know where to draw the privacy line though. I was always a good girl and I always say that it was because my parents always trusted me. I knew they had trust in me and I just never wanted to break it. Make sure she always knows you trust her. Hopefully she won't ever give you a reason not to. Like I said though, I don't think you will have to worry much about that girl. Good luck though! And, just always help her to find ways to feel the spirit and keep it in her life.
As you already know, my mom was and still is my best friend. I trusted her and she trusted me. I could tell her everything, bad and good. Yes she reprimanded me, but she did it with a lot of love. And can I just say coming her a family of all girls how important a dads role is as well. Although I didnt tell my dad everything, he trusted me and loved me. I think trust and love are two if the most important things you can give your child.
I havent quite figured this thing out either. My parents were very strict but they didnt really talk to me much about things. Levi's parents werent strict at all but were very open. I think there has to be a happy medium. I think you are on the right track with Hallie. She is a very smart girl and you and gj are great parents and it seems as if you guys and hallie have a great open relationship so I think just have a prayer in your heart when these times come when you need to have some talks with her and you will say the right things.
Oh man I am not even going to try to get advice because let's face it...in 10 years I"ll be calling you. :)
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